Wednesday, June 26, 2013

FLUFFmerican Idol

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Several months ago, I signed up for the Run or Dye Color run in Dallas, TX.  I remember seeing all the pictures on Facebook last year and it looked like so much fun so when a friend asked for people to join her team, I was all in.   I did absolutely nothing to prepare for this race, well….other than eating a well balanced diet and going to bed early the night before the race.

And by “eating a well balanced diet and going to bed early” I mean “drinking way too much and getting minimal sleep.”

When I woke up at whatthefluff:30, I really really really didn’t want to drive all the way to Dallas to get my sweaty azz handed to me on a sweaty platter.  But…I got up anyways.  I made myself a large cup of coffee and headed off to my friends house to meet up with the rest of the crew.  On our way to the race, we stopped for coffee so I proceeded to buy another large coffee.  Then, once we got close to the race, I drank my spark.  Seemed like a good idea at the time. 

Once we got there, I was ready to WORK.  I needed to pee but the lines were too long so I just held it.  I knew I’d prolly finish the race in record time, you know, with all the training I did.  As we totally cut in front of a thousand people at the starting line, we got tricked in to thinking we were starting no less than ten times.  It was a true beating and took FOREVER. 

We all started the race running.  I lasted approximately 17.2 seconds before I started walking.  I just said eff this shyt.  I’m walking it.  The race was Run OR Dye.  I was already dying so there really wasn’t any need to run.  I was tired.  I was hungry and I was hot.  Every time I tried to run, I swore a little pee was dripping down my leg.  I had the ol’ kegel fully contracted to hold it in, but as any moms know, once you’ve had kids, you’re ability to hold in pee is greatly affected.  #blownoutvagproblems

About midway through the race, I realized a few things:
1.        I managed to grab a sports bra that I haven’t worn since I was 13.  It had zero support and was a little big so my lady lumps were giving a ‘low five’ to my belly button
2.       I forgot to put on deodorant so every time I moved my arms, a little bit of my armpit skin ripped off; and
3.       The two coffees and spark have fully set in and now I have the effing shakes. 

As I walked alone, I became more and more aware of my underboob sweat, my sticky pits and my now fully shaking hands.  I was in a bit of a blur as I stared at the people around me, sizing up the poor patrons that would be carrying me out of here when I pass out. 

Then, out of nowhere, there she was.  Giant Bic Band, giant sunglasses and giant boobs.  I’m pretty sure that’s Mama effing Laughlin.  I talked about Mama Laughlin in my very first post almost a year ago, HERE

I kept walking and decided that I was in no condition to meet her.  In fact, I’ve never WANTED to meet her.  We all get this idea of how a person is based on what we see on tv, or in their blog.  It’s like meeting Ryan Gosling.  In my mind, he’s a sensual lover, likes to snuggle and listens to every word I say.  But what if I met him and not only was he a complete tool but he also had a tiny dingus?!?!!?  Some things are just better left alone. 

That’s how I felt about meeting Mama..err Brandi.  I have this idea of how she is based on the words she writes on a blog.  What if I meet her and she’s a snobby slut?  I mean…then I’d have to cut a bytch.
Yes, I just compared her to Ryan Gosling, the sensual lover.  That’s beyond creepy but we’ll just skip past that. 

As I walked past her, I decided that I would regret it if I didn’t at least say hi.  So, I turned and said, “um….are you Brandi”.  She smiled and said “yes I am”.
Oh…good…she doesn't seem like a snobby slut. 

“Hi, I’m one of your stalkers”. 

Oh….good….I seem.....akward. 

I walked with her and a couple of other girls for a few minutes.  I prayed that they didn’t realize that my eyes were nearly swollen shut because of the Miller Light sweat pouring in to them and that I was shaking like I just came off a four day cocaine high.  (I’ve never been on a four day cocaine high so I really don’t know if that causes the shakes but all the people on Cops seem to have the shakes so I assume that’s par for the course)

I took the opportunity to tell Brandi what a major motivating force she’s been for me and that I owe my 72 pound weight loss to her.  She gave me a high five and said, “great job!”  I also told her that I started blogging and she asked me to email her my blog info and she’d check it out.  I’m sure she was kidding but the jokes on her because I sure did send it to her the second I got home.  I’m lame like that. 

One girl asked if I was on IG.  Since I’m super cool, I wondered if that was a street name for some new drug, then realized that she meant Instagram.  I really don’t remember what I said, but I do remember that Brandi asked for my IG ID.  As I rattled it off to her, I was certain she was typing “stupid shaky bytch smells” in to her phone. 

Up ahead, I saw my crew in line at the port o potty so I told Brandi it was great to meet her and asked if she’d take a picture with me.  One of my friends walked up and said, "I want a picture".  I like that everyone knows about my obsession with ML.  

What?  That’s totally what I looked like that day.  Perfect makeup and hair in Texas heat?  Yes and Yes. I've also taken the time to show you where my boobs SHOULD be.  You're welcome.  Standing next to Brandi, my chest looks like that of a 15 year old boy.  Boob job in my future so start saving up, Mr. Fluff.

We finished the race and somehow managed to get very minimal color on us.  In fact, the most color I got was on my feet.  I was wearing two pair of socks and shoes so how the hell this happened is beyond me.  Everyone at the finish line looked like a Purple People Eater so I assume they got a hell of a deal on the purple shyt.  We were glad the race was over and decided that doing a 5k in Texas is just cray. 

I will say that I’m SO glad I got my azz out of bed and went because I got to meet my FLUFFmerican Idol.  Not only did she start following me on Instagram (hair flip) but she also started following my blog (double hair flip).  I don't know about you but I think that pretty much makes us besties.  I've already ordered our matching necklaces...

I can only hope that I will someday give a lucky reader a lady boner from meeting me.  A girl can dream.    

Knuckle bumps for Mama! You rock my fat off.  

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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

A Beautiful Mind

I’m sure you all think that blogging is super easy.  That I just sit down in front of the computer and before the cursor begins to blink, I just fill the page with words that are so moving, funny and inspirational that you are sure to fall to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you found this blog because without it, you’re life just wouldn’t be complete.   (just pretend that’s how this blog makes you feel…please and thank you).

I usually start thinking about my blog topic on the weekends.  As I’m driving around or in the shower (you’re totes thinking about me being in the shower now aren’t you…pervert), I write out a blog post for the week in my head.  It ALWAYS makes me laugh out loud…at myself…because, let’s face it, I’m pretty damn funny.  #thatsmystoryandi’mstickingtoit

Then there are weeks, like this week, that I just don’t have diddly squat to say.  No cool topic, no funny story about picking my nose in public or ripping a pair of jeans in the middle of the mall.  I gotz nuttin’. 

So when this happens, I just pick something completely random to talk about.  I know, I know….I’m random EVERY DAMN WEEK.   But that’s why you keep coming back for more…now isn't it, Stalker Sally from Hutto.  (Here’s your shout out, you also make deee-licious sour cream enchiladas)

I decided to share with you a little bit behind my thought process.  I've always claimed to be bat shyt crazy, and now you will fo sho believe me and quite possibly try to commit me to an insane asylum.  
On a recent trip in my car, I started to think about what I want to be when I grow up.  I began to daydream about my blog and where it COULD take me.  The bajillions of dollars I could make.  All the opportunities that would present themselves because of this blog.  All the times I would be asked to be on Ellen DeGeneres’ and Bethenny Frankel’s talk shows. 

I would then be asked to write an inspirational book, which I would name “Follow Your Dreams and Blame Your Farts on The Dog.  A Woman’s Guide to Being Awesome”  Yes it’s a long title and I would need to use small font to get it all on the cover but we all know that any book with ‘fart’ in the title is sure to be on the New York Times Best Seller list!  Hair Flip. 

After I was done daydreaming about my book tour, the interviews on Good Morning America and being on the New York Times Best Seller list three years in a row, I began to think about photo shoots for my book.  What would I wear? How would I pose?  Would I love my body enough to pose in a bikini for the picture on the inside cover with the caption, “This body isn’t perfect, but it’s mine”?

That somehow leads me to think about working out and all the cute gear that’s available these days.  I then start thinking about starting my own spandex pants line, “Fluffy is the New Skinny”.  I know we’ve all seen the pants that have shyt written on the bootay like, “Juicy” or “Pink” or “Love”.  I decide that Ima keep it real and put stuff like:

“It’s ok to stare, I would too if I were behind me”  (small font, of course)

“I worked hard for this jiggle”

“Baby got back”

 “Dat Azz”

"My hips totally lied"


Then my car ride is over so I gently slide back in to reality.  I unload the groceries with the car still running with Fluffette asleep in her car seat and pray that nobody steals my car and my baby.  Then I had to put away groceries, start dinner, change out the laundry, feed Fluffette, let the dogs out (who..who, who who) and make sure Fluffette doesn’t try to crawl in to the tub, throw yogurt in the toilet, smash her own finger in the trash can or gnaw on a cascade packet (again). 

Hours later, when Fluffette has gone down for the night and I finally have time to teedle (pee pee) on my own, I find myself drift off again in to my daydream…..”hmmmmm, I could also make a plus size  line of spandex to represent my life a year ago”.  Fluffy girls need love too!  Just because I was (still am) fluffy, doesn’t mean I don’t have a good sense of humor!  So this line of spandex would include things like:

“Quit staring at my fat ass and go get me a cheeseburger”

“Who needs a milkshake when your yard is this big”

“Caution: objects may fly about the cabin during flight”

and for the single ladies:

“It’s hot and I’m about to drop it”

“Hi Sexy, I’m about to bring you back….to my apartment”

These would all be in 24 point font because skinny or fat, I have PLENTY of real estate on the ol’ arse to fit these quotes. 

Once I’m done laughing at my new business idea, I step out of the ‘little nuns room’ and stand there in front of the mirror in my wife beater tank top…….and I flex.  Multiple ways and multiple angles.

Just realized that I look like One Eyed Willie.  Disregard the absence of one of my eyes.  #cuh-reepy #needtogetmyglassesadjusted #yesIthinksmokingapipeisdouchey

Sometimes, I even dance whilst flexing.  Then I break in to song and do a full on routine from my Hip Hop Hustle class then check my phone to see if Ryan Seacrest has called to offer me my own reality show.  “Not yet.  Damn.  I hope he has the right number for me”

Then I realize what a huge douche bag I am so I go sit on the couch and think about food. 

***Note:  this story is based on actual events 

As a side note, I'd like to welcome my first sponsor to the page!!!  Welcome Kate!  Kate has been on her "get my body back after baby" journey for the past year or so and she looks absolutely amazing!  So so so proud of you lady.  Kate and I share a love for Advocare as it has helped us both get that much closer to our ultimate goals of being hot arse moms.  If you are ever interested in the Herbal Cleanse, Catalyst, Spark (my personal faves) or any other product, just click on the Advocare symbol on the side bar and Kate will take great care of you!

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Thursday, June 13, 2013

This Wagon is Broken

Earlier this week I had it in my mind that my post today would be all about the negatives.  Me falling off the 'wagon'.  How I ate a little crap here and a little crap there and how that can very quickly turn in to a slippery slide back to Chunky Town.  The post would be filled with my wit and charm and you would fall in love with me all over again.

Then I decided that the ol' wagon can suck it!  I will not dwell on the negatives.  Even though most of you can relate to me eating chips and queso or sonic cheesesticks, I don't want that to be our common ground.  I don't want you to be all, "I LOVE this girl because she lets her inner fat girl win sometimes!!"

Nope, not TODAY.  Today I want you to be all, "This girl has busted her ass over the past year and even though she's still far from perfect, she said she would make the ultimate change and George Dammit, she did!! AND I WILL TOO!!!!"

TODAY, I am working out 3 times a week.
TODAY, I will make better food choices.
TODAY, there is no food that tastes as good as being skinny feels except sour cream enchiladas and sonic cheesesticks.

Yesterday is gone.  There's nothing you can do to change it.  Stop waiting for 'tomorrow' to make the change.


You are worth it.  Go put on your big girl panties and make the change you want in your life.  Excuses will get you nowhere.....but to the fridge.  (This message is really to me.  I have to suck it up.  Quit bytching and make shyt happen!)

What girl has lost over 72 pounds in the past year?
What girl has lost over 24 inches in the past 9 months?
What girl can wear a size 8 in jeans and even have a little room in the waist? (a year ago she was in a size 18)
What girl can wear a size medium shirt?  (a year ago she was in an XL or XXL)
What girl now owns a pair of size 6 mis-sized pants that actually fit?
What girl is 13.4 pounds away from her goal weight of 150?
What girl is going to stop focusing on the negatives and start celebrating the road that she paved for herself?
What girl now has something called 'collar bones'?
What girl has said her final goodbyes to her former fat self....

What girl creepily stood over her daughter in her bathtub to take a picture for today's post?


And I am DAMN proud of how far I've come this past year.  

You can call me conceited.  You can call me a dreamer.  You can call me awesome and you can call me Fluffy.

But you canNOT call me fat.  *does four snaps in a Z formation*

**crowd cheers...starts doing the wave...and wipes the tears from their eyes**

And just like that, there was world peace.

The End.

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Monday, June 10, 2013

A Baby Boy and Some Recipes

As promised, I want to share some recipes with you that I used at Fluffette's First Birthday Party.  But first, I FINALLY got to meet little BoBo and he is even cuter in person.  **shout out to Hippy's friends that have started calling him BoBo.  I love annoying the crap out of her!

 I know I'm biased since he'll one day be my son in law, but I would venture to say that he is the most precious little boy I've ever seen!  (well....other than my friends that read this blog and have baby boys. In which case, disregard my previous comment because I prolly told you that your baby boy was the cutest I've ever seen.  I'm super shady like that)

I have way too much time on my hands sometimes!  I used Pic Stitch for this....uh-dicting.  #yesfluffettelookslikeaboysometimes  #iloveheranyway

Alright....on to the food!  The theme of the party was Pink Lemonade stand so I made sure that all decorations and desserts matched the theme.  If I were Martha Stewart, I would've made pink and yellow chicken salad......but I'm I didn't.  I, of course, forgot to take close ups of the food to share with you so you'll just have to trust me on some of these.  

Chicken Salad in Lettuce Cups:
4-5 chicken breasts
1 box chicken rice a roni
1 can artichoke hearts
1 pkg sliced or slivered almonds
1 can of black oives
1 bunch of green onions

Boil chicken breasts and shred.  Make rice a roni according to directions.  Cool.  Cut artichoke hearts and marinate in Italian dressing or buy artichoke hearts already marinated (drain).  Chop olives and onions and combine ingredients.  Add a little Italian dressing (2-3 shakes then taste) and mayonnaise (2-3 tablespoons then taste) and season to taste.  Serve hot or cold. 

I purchased mini romaine lettuce bundles from Costco for the lettuce cups.  They were the perfect size.  I used the leftover lettuce for salads the week following the party.  

Lemon Zest Cookies
Cream 1/2 cup butter and 1 cup sugar
Add 2 eggs beat well
Add 1 tsp vanilla
Sift 2 cups flour (I don't own a sifter so I just tossed it around with a fork...same thing....kinda....but not really)
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp grated lemon rind
Pinch salt

Mix in dry ingredients.  Chill overnight or several hours.  Roll out small sections 1/4 inch thick and cut with cookie cutter (I did butterflies and hearts).  Bake on lightly greased cookie sheet 8 -  10 minutes 350 degrees until firm to touch.  Ice with powdered sugar and milk and lemon flavoring to taste and sprinkle with sugar


I borrowed both of these recipes from friends.  The remainder were from Pinterest.  Shocker!  I'm way too lazy to copy and paste them all so, here you go! Just click on the name for a link to the recipe.  

1.  Pink Lemonade Margarita Punch:  I changed this up a little bit so my guests wouldn't get shyt-faced and need to stay the night.  I added a can of frozen lemonade concentrate and 2 extra cans of water.  It was delicious from the fridge or blended for a frozen margarita.  

2.  Veggie Dip:  I put all my veggies in assorted glass jars from Dollar Tree, then saved one for the dip.  It was super cute, if I do say so myself.  

3.  Fruit Dip:  I did the fruit the exact same way as the veggies.  I put it on the opposite end of the table because I'm super OCD about symmetry.  This dip was uh-mazing and I was happy to have leftovers.  I used strawberry cream cheese but I think it would be delicious in any fruit flavor.  

4.  Chicken Caesar Salad Bites:  I've made these before and they are one of my faves.  You can make the parm crisps the day before to make your life easier.  Just make sure to hide them because you may or may not find yourself standing in the kitchen eating them while deciding how many you can eat before you need to run to the store and buy more cheese.  

5.  Mini Corndogs:  I wanted to make sure to have something that any kid would eat. Even the picky ones.  I'm pretty sure the adults ate most of these.  I used Jiffy mix and Hebrew National Weiners.  (hehe....weiner...hehe). I'm not a huge fan of hot dogs but the Hebrew National Weiners (hehe...weiners...hehe) have a TON of flavor. 

6.  15 Minute Black Bean and Corn Salsa:  It's easy and it's yummy.  Done and Done.

That's all folks!  Feel free to follow me on Pinterest.  I pin a bunch of stuff that I will never do....and a bunch of stuff that I will forever claim I didn't get from Pinterest.  

Tune in later this week for an update on my measurements and my inability to stay on the damn wagon. 

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Monday, June 3, 2013

It's My Party and I'll Poop If I Want To

I'm sure you are all still trying to recover from my moving post last week about Fluffette's entrance in to the world.  Well, wipe your tears, my friend, because you are about to DIE over her cuteness.

This past Saturday we celebrated her first birthday in style.  I, apparently, did not get the memo that I'm not Tori Spelling and that I don't have an unlimited budget to celebrate the fact that, against all odds, Fluffette and I both survived her first year of life.  I will say that most of the decorations were either bought on sale or made by me and my assistants friends and family.

When I started thinking about the guest list for her birthday, I figured there would be about 20 people there.  Then, as I began to write out my list, I got a little nervous when the list reached 50 invitations.  "Oh well, nobody will show up."  Then the RSVP's started coming in and my anxiety reached "holy shyt" mode.  There were 70 people including kids at my house on Saturday.  SEVEN-TEE!!  I do not live in a castle and I get stressed out when there are 15 people here at Thanksgiving.  'Take Xanax' was the number one thing on my to-do list.  Fluffette is so lucky to have so many people that love her and mama needs to start burning bridges so we don't have that many people in our house EVER AGAIN.

Go grab a glass of wine.....sit back.....relax....and enjoy the picture show of my Fluffette's Big Day!

Drink Bar: Sparkling Pink Lemonade, Organic Pink Lemonade, Unsweet Tea and mini water bottles wrapped in Washi Tape.  We had assorted beer and Pink Lemonade Margaritas (effing delicious) on the back porch.  

Munchies Table: Fruit Bar, Veggie Bar, Chicken salad in lettuce cups, Chicken Ceasar Parmesan Crisps, Enchilada dip on baguettes, mini corn dogs, Black bean and corn salsa.  

Dessert Table: Pink Lemonade Cupcakes, Strawberry Popcorn, Chocolate  covered marshmallows with sprinkles, Yogurt pretzels, homemade iced sugar cookies and oreos.  The parents hated me for the sugar coma I put their kids in to.  

I am so thankful that my mom gets drunk and buys Martha Stewart craft utensils on HSN so we could make this banner!  #she'sgonnakillmeforsayingthat

I purchased her outfit from Pampered Rugrats on  Facebook.  I told her what I wanted and she made it!  Size up on these. She wears 18 months and this is 24 months.  Headband purchased on etsy.  

What can I say....she likes blue balls.  #justbecauseyougetolderdoesn'tmeanyougetmoremature

"you go to hell mom.  You go straight to hell"
Yes, I popped her hand when she tried to rip her decorations off her highchair. 

"Why are all these people staring at me while key??"

Fluffette licked off a few handfuls of icing then proceeded to feed icing to me,  Mr. Fluff, several kids and her Papa.  Such a proud moment that my daughter likes to share food....unlike her mother.  

That might look like her hair standing up, but I'm pretty sure they are devil ears because right after this.......

she sure did shyt in the the middle of her party.....while people were waiting.  #oneofmyproudestmommymoments

It took no less than 12 hours for her to open one gift.  I ended up opening 98% of the gifts myself.  

I forgot to take a picture when they were on a cute serving platter but these were a hit.  I still have some in my freezer.  Mini ice cream sandwiches dipped in sprinkles then wrapped in wax paper and washi tape.  

 If I remember, I will post a few of the recipes that seemed to be a big hit at the party.

Everyone seemed to have a great time (because we served beer and Pink Lemonade Margaritas) and told me that I set the bar pretty high for her future birthdays.  I quickly replied that every year from here on out, we will take Fluffette to a nice dinner at McDonalds and just show her pictures from this party.  It is A LOT of work!!!

Fluffette is pretty much the cutest little lady this side of the Mississippi.  She was such a good sport and didn't have a meltdown AT.ALL.  I was quite shocked since she's never been around that many people.    I always knew she was super awesome and she proved me right on Saturday.  Love this little Boogie like I love Sour Cream enchiladas with rice and beans.......and that's a crap ton of love, yo.

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