The Crippled-er Cottage

Rollin down the street smokin’ ciggies

Hopped up on paaaaain meds

Laid back, with my mind in the clouds

And carpal tunnel in my hand

Yes, I’m hopped up on Hydro….codone.  I had a procedure done on Monday that is uber embarrassing and I don’t wish to talk about it.  I understand that it’s a very common part of pregnancy but I’m not a big fan of being ‘common’.  I know you're all at the edge of your seats wanting to know what happened so I’ll just say it rhymes with ‘flem void’.  Thanks to my flem void removal, I gotz me a good dose of pain meds.  If I were ever to become addicted to something (besides food) I think painkillers would be my thang. 

Rewind to Friday.  A couple of my girlfriends took off work and we loaded up the little nuggets and went to the Fort Worth Zoo.  Fluffette could really give two shyts about seeing any of the animals but she loved feeling the wind in her three hairs!  She’s getting pretty damn sassy and we now know that we’re gonna have our hands FULL for the next 18 years when we get to kick her out and tell her to go to college or get a damn job.  For instance, here's a photo segment of us attempting to take a cute picture….

Look at us...bein all NORMAL. 

Hey...what are those things?

Ima take these while you continue to smile for the camera.....dumbazz. 

 Saturday, Mr. Fluff and I decided that we needed to get an overnight babysitter and head down to Greenville Avenue to drink our faces off.  We like to pretend that we’re still cool.  We lasted approximately four hours then were home and in bed by 9pm but not before we spent $20 at McDonalds to ‘carb up’.  I ate half an order of French fries then threw the rest in the fridge.  I opened up the fridge the next morning to find fries all over the top shelf.  I left them there for three days, too lazy to clean them up.  Sue me.    

Before

After (aka 6pm)

Tuesday was the big test for my right hand.  The technician lady person was odd…to put it nicely.  She was a close talker so I immediately wanted to punch her with my gimp arm didn’t like her.  She kept talking about her ‘husband and kids’ and I couldn’t help but wonder if she actually meant her ‘cat…and other cats’.  It felt like we were on a first date and there were multiple awkward silences where she’d ask me a question, I’d answer it and then she would just sit there and stare at me.  So I would start talking again just to break the silence.  I finally had to say, “so…….let’s do this”.   They put some fancy instrument on your arm and hand in different places then send a shock through your arm.  She said, “it will just feel like someone touching you after they rub their feet on the carpet.”  She is a liar. 

The test came back definitive.  Carpal Tunnel.  YAY!  High kicks and jazz fingers.  I go back on Tuesday to discuss options with my Dr but the Cat Lady says I will most likely require surgery.  My first thought was how the hell am I supposed to smoke AND surf pinterest at the same time.  My second thought was that I’ll rely a lot on Greta and Bailey (our dogs) to help me change and feed Fluffette.  Seems doable. 

To round off The Crippled Cottage, I took Fluffette today for an ultrasound.  Whenever she cries she has a big bump that comes up between her eyes.  Since I’m mother of the year, I just thought it was a little eyebrow fat.  The good news is that it’s not a cyst.  The bad news is that we still don’t know what it is.  Further testing and further money spending may be required. 

Thank goodness Fluffette’s cute because she sure is causing a lot of pain and money spending!!!  I know this is my payback for having an easy pregnancy and an even easier childbirth. 

Well, I’m off to pop more pills and squeeze my cute little baby until one of her marshmallow arms pops.