Monday, September 24, 2012

A Sprint Not a Marathon

Or is it “a marathon, not a sprint”?  Either way it involves running.  Something I haven’t done since the 80’s, and even then, I was just running after the ice cream truck. 

Well, I had a weekend full of indulging on the following: (you know how much I enjoy making a list)
1.       a bite of a corn dog (aka “just the tip”),
2.       mac n cheese,
3.      meatloaf,
4.      a wine tasting
5.       and the piece de resistance…Mamaw’s fried okra (you wouldn’t have turned it down either). 
Even though I tried the whole “in moderation” thing, I still made horrible choices and knew I had to do something to make up for it.  Enter the Couch to 5k challenge.  I belong to a super elite and private Facebook Fit group (ONLY 6,198 members…Hair Flip) and many members have been talking about this challenge so I decided it was time for Fluffy to get all “Run Forrest Run” and give it a go. 

First things first… I checked my app store to see if there was an app for that.  Well paint me red and call me a barn…THERE IS! I added the free app and my life changed forever. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that life altering but it’s a damn cool app.  It tells you exactly what you need to do and when you need to do it.  Check it out… 

Day one included a 5 minute “brisk” walk followed by 20 minutes of running for a minute then walking for a minute and a half.  Walk, run, repeat.  I turned on Pandora and sang along to “apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrrrr”.  I was KILLING IT!  Why haven’t I tried this sooner?  Oh yes, that was only 7 minutes in and I was still on a high.  Fast forward 13 minutes and I thought I was going to die.  I was dry heaving and sweating in rolls I didn’t even know I had.  I wanted nothing more than to collapse on my neighbor’s freshly cut lawn in the fetal position and just listen to the remainder of the workout in my headphones.   Then my (current) favorite song streamed through my headphones and I was filled with motivation and drive.  I was pushing harder (that’s what he said) and even began to throw my hands in the air and dance/run along to the music.  (true story.  My neighbors got quite the show of Fluffy in Spandex).  If this song doesn’t make you want to “whistle while you work it”, then I don’t know what will.  (this link only works on a desktop)
If this song didn't make you wanna shake your booty,well, you just suck.  End of story. 

As the song came to a close, so did my workout.  I EFFING DID IT!  I finished the hard part (that’s what she said) and was now on my cool down.  As I listened to New Kids on the Block (my cool points are at an all time low), my eyes began to sweat.  I think some people call this “tears”.  I am not one of these people.  Yes, my eyeballs began to sweat as a feeling of accomplishment swept over my body.  I am not a runner and never have been so this is HUGE to me (again..that’s what she said).  I know it’s only one 20 minute walk/run but that’s one more than I did last week dammit and I’m proud.  As I made the last turn to my house, the sun was setting and it was definitely a “moment” for me. 

Every day is your opportunity to start the next chapter of your life.  So stop making excuses and start writing that new chapter!!!!! 

One small step for man, one giant Denim Dip for Fluffy,
Fluffy in Frisco

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Ah yes, Spandex…….(looking in the distance as if deep in thought).  The official meaning of Spandex is “something that should not be worn by fat people or those who hate getting wedgies”.  Ok so this is the official definition in the Urban Dictionary and not your everyday run of the mill dictionary.   But who the hell wants the “real” definition??  Anyways, I definitely agree that spandex doesn’t look good on all people but I’m here to say that I don’t wear it to look good.  I do it as a safety precaution for my fellow gym goers.  Would you rather judge me because you can see every dimple, wrinkle and roll or would you rather get slapped in the face by one of my wobbly bits flailing about?  The choice is yours. 
As a Fluffy girl, I just can’t wear workout shorts or even loose fitting sweats when I workout.  Workout shorts end with my thighs punching each other as they fight over which one gets to develop more red bumps than the other.  And loose fitting sweats consist of my ass cheeks slapping the fat roll just beneath them as in “high five, good to see you again”.   Either way, the slapping and punching makes a noticeable noise that can’t be missed even with the loud “today’s top 40” playing in the background.  So to all the Fluffy girls I say “you wear the shit outta that spandex gurrrrl”. 
In random news, I decided to look up the definition of Fluffy in the Urban Dictionary and this is what it says:
An awesome type of person. Can often mean adorable, fun loving, and cuddly. Fluffy can be referred to as a person who is extremely attractive on occasion.

Um…HAIR FLIP.  “extremely attractive on occasion”  This part made me laugh so hard I tinkled a little.  Now, to be honest, I’ve lost a bit of my bladder control since having Fluffette so I have been known to sneeze and a little pee comes out.  Oh, the joys of motherhood.   Back to reality…..

I started 30 Day Shred last Monday so I’m currently on day 9.  It should be day 10 but I just couldn’t get my shit together on Friday to git er done so I’ll add a day to still get the full 30 days.  This workout is simple.  Not easy but all the exercises are simple in that you don’t have to learn how to do a triple toe loop or an 8 count dance move.  Even so, I sweated my face off and still can’t make it through the whole thing without marching it out here and there.  Nothing is more motivating than watching Jillian Michaels and her two sluts assistants in their spandex, sports bras, workout shorts and sweats.  All things NOT Fluffy.  I definitely called them “effing bees” and “hoodrats” throughout the workouts.  It kept me going.  These skytches (skinny bytches) aren’t this way because they ate hot corn dip, rice krispy treats dipped in chocolate or drank their weight in Michelob Ultra this weekend.  Nope, these skytches are this way because they worked at it (or are all secretly addicted to cocaine).  Bottom line, Fluffy has a long way to go but she WILL get there.  I too will someday wear my cute little capri sweats rolled over at the top and be able to do a whole workout without those sweats rolling down over my FUPA.  (if you don’t know what FUPA is you can check out the Urban Dictionary for further clarification).   Here’s a group picture from the workout this morning……

As of my weigh in this morning, I am up 3.2 pounds which is an overall loss of 1.6 pounds.

Positives: 1. Still an overall loss.  2. I made a lot of great choices this week including taking my own turkey burger to a cookout 3. Started working out 4. Most importantly…I’M NOT QUITTING.

Goals: 1. Drink more water.  2. Write down what I put in my mouth. 3. Allow myself a cheat meal….not a “cheat all weekend”. 

I leave you today with my added verse to my rap song to be named "Fluffy's Anthem” ***note: this is best read while shrugging your shoulders and bobbing your head to get you all rap-y. 

My hips, my thighs
My scale’s been tellin’ me lies
Dip front, then back and side to side,
Don’t stress out, take it all in stride.

16 measure musical break followed by 8 measures of beat box.

I own the day and I own the night
Gonna workout till this shit’s tight
One of these dayz I’ll be outta sight
Cuz, it’s all about me and I’m worth the fight. 

The Original Gangster,
Da Fluff

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Just a Girl

Let me tell you a little story about a girl.  A girl that wanted to be the school mascot but never had the courage to try out.   A girl that wanted to be the pretty one…or the skinny one…or the popular one.  A girl that has always been the funny one.  A girl that says the F word more than she should.  A girl that enjoys cheesy movies.  A girl that rocks out to Miley Cyrus.  A girl that wanted to be a hip hop dancer.   Um…are you done laughing yet?  This girl COULD  be a hip hop dancer.  Rude.   Moving on…A girl that never knew she was capable of the amount of love she has for her husband and daughter.  A girl that loves food.  A girl that would eat more salads if the lettuce was deep fried.  A girl that has been hurt.  A girl that has hurt others.  A girl that enjoys hearing about other people’s drama because it makes her feel normal.  A girl that can drop it like it’s hot.  A girl that struggles with “picking it back up again”.   A girl that has seen every Friends episode one bajillion times.  A girl that wanted to name her daughter Chandler.  A girl that dances in front of the mirror.  A girl that poses for pictures with her hands on her hips to make her arms look smaller.  A girl that snorts when she laughs.  A girl that laughs at her own jokes before telling them.  A girl that most times has no filter.  A girl that quits most everything she starts.  A girl that loves playing charades.  A girl that will slit her wrists with a plastic knife if she sees anymore political shit on Facebook.  A girl that dreams about food.  A girl that is very addicted to Pinterest.  A girl that hates shaving.  A girl that loves Fall because she doesn’t have to shave as much.   A girl that secretly loves when the skinny, popular girl from high school gets fat.  A girl that read Fifty Shades of Gray (the trilogy) in less than a week.  A girl that hasn’t read that much since the 80’s.  A girl that cries while watching Biggest Loser.  A girl that hates admitting when she cries.  A girl that once got drunk and went down a slip n slide in her t-shirt and underwear in front of work colleagues and her new boyfriend.  A girl that married that new boyfriend 5 months later.  A girl that learned a long time ago that if you laugh loud enough at yourself, you can’t hear anyone else laughing at you.   A girl that sings rap songs in an opera voice.   A girl that has a flat stomach…..when lying on her back.   A girl that WILL bring sexy back.  A girl that hopes she can inspire.  A girl that now despises the word “girl” because she has used it one bajillion times (yes, it’s a number).  A girl that lost 4.8 pounds this week. 

THAT’S RIGHT MUTHA FUGGGGERS!  Fluffy lost 4.8  effing pounds!!!!  After I got done doing a pelvic thrust and a fist pump, I did this…

“The Bytch” aka scale is my new best friend.  I ‘m seriously thinking about strapping her in the Baby Bjorn and taking her ass to the mall to show her off!!!!  In case you need a visual of that….

I am still in shock that I had such an awesome first week and it wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.  I don’t want to say “I watched what I ate”.  I hate that saying.  I don’t know about you but I watch every morsel of food before it goes in my mouth, it doesn’t matter if it’s an apple or a slice  an entire apple pie.  This saying is just plain stupid.  Anyways, I was much more aware of what I was eating and actually measured out my foods to ensure I was eating proper portions. 
This blog has been such motivation for me because it’s what holds me accountable.  I went to a birthday party this past weekend and turned down cake.  Who does that?!?!?!?! Everyone knows that the best cakes are 1. Birthday cake and 2.  Wedding cake.  Knowing that I could have the satisfaction of telling you that I turned it down made it worth saying NO. 

That’s right bytches, Fluffy is 4.8 pounds closer to being a Hommy! (Hot Mommy). 

I’m just a girl and this is my story,
Fluffy in Frisco

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

First Day of the Rest of My Life Bytches

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I’m gonna do this!  My days of eating Sonic Cheese Sticks and French fries are over….well for a little while anyways.  (I had cheese sticks yesterday so I got my fix for a little bit).  I’m a firm believer that you should never say you “just ate your last mouthful of fried goodness” as this is just not realistic.  Unless you’re a bodybuilder or a supermodel in which case you probably haven’t eaten either since the 80’s so you just don’t know what you’re missing. 
So today is weigh in day.  Xanax…check.  I pulled out the ol’ scale and then spent a few minutes cleaning off the very thick layer of dust.  Before stepping on, I looked to the Heavens and said “go easy on me”.  I held my breath and stepped on.  Those few seconds it takes to calculate your weight seem like an eternity.   “You bytch!”  I quickly stepped off the scale to allow “the bytch” a moment to collect herself then slowly stepped back on.  I sucked in hoping this would help.  Nope, there it was….a number.  Now, if I were ballsy this is where I would tell you how much I weigh.  But as luck would have it, my balls haven’t dropped yet.   Maybe someday.  Baby steps. 
Instead of telling you how much I weigh, I decided I would show you.  These will count as my “before” pictures.  I know many people do a before picture in workout pants and a sports bra.  I hate those people.  Mainly because their before pictures look much better than I expect my “after” pictures to look. 

 So, I decided to take my picture in my goal outfit.  These jeans are Jessica Simpson Princy jeans.  They were my all time favorite and I WILL fit back in to them but today there aren’t enough Denim Dips in the world to help me fit in to them.  You can read about denim dips HERE.  As you will notice they currently come just over my knees.  This is beyond depressing and I am seriously considering cutting them in the middle and just using them as denim legwarmers.  Then, techinically,  I do a fit in to my skinny jeans.  Hair flip!

Here’s my goal shirt.  Disclaimer: I left on the ol' over the shoulder boulder holder just to add an extra helping of class.  I bought this recently on a Facebook auction (we’ll talk about that obsession another week).  I think it’s cute and sassy and I can’t wait to wear it.  This shirt is a medium and I was actually able to get it on which was VERY exciting.  Now, if you listen closely you can actually hear the seams screaming for dear life.  This gorgeous, tiny top is cutting so deeply into my armpit that if I left it on long enough,  I’m pretty certain that it would amputate my arm.  I’m right handed so I guess I don’t necessarily NEED my left arm but I will say I’ve grown quite attached to it over the years. 
I tend to hold most of my weight in this region (circling hands over hips and thighs) so I think I’ll fit into the shirt lonnnng before the jeans but I WILL wear those jeans again (dammit!)…and not as legwarmers. 
So there you have it, Fluffy in all her Fluffy-iness.  Trust me when I say it was gut wrenching to add these photos for the world to see.  And by “world”, I mean my 4 readers.  Either way, I’m doing this.  I’m holding myself to this.  I WILL be a skinny mom and I WILL teach my 3 month old daughter, Fluffette, about healthy eating habits to save her from a life full of ridicule and self doubt.  She will inherit my good qualities such as my wit, charm and…pretty face and not the bad eating habits which include a love for food that can sometimes consume every waking moment.  Get on this train Fluffette, it’s gonna be a long ride. 
In random news, Fluffette rolled over for the first time yesterday.  She’s pretty much a baby genius and will be starting Harvard in the Spring.

Puttin' it out there,
Fluffy in Frisco