Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Fat Jeans

As the temperatures of North Texas began to decline, so did the number on my scale.  I am down 3.8 pounds since last week and that gave me the confidence to do something that I haven’t done in a very long time.  Yup, I decided to try on my fat jeans.  I haven’t fit into my fat jeans since early 2011.  Shortly after purchasing said fat jeans, I went on a diet and managed to lose about 13 pounds.  Then Mr. Fluff got me pregnant so I, very quickly, gained back that 13 pounds (and an extra 48). 
Before I even put the jeans on over my cankles, I convinced myself that the outcome would be depressing.  After about 20 minutes of Denim Dips to get them over my buh-dunk-a-dunk then one last jump up and down to get them up to my waist…I did it!!!  They buttoned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Did my waistline look like gooey marshmallows oozing out the sides of a s’more?  Maybe.  Did I say a prayer each time I bent down with Fluffette that the crotch wouldn’t blow out?  Maybe.  Did people judge me because my pants were so tight they looked painted on?   Maybe.  Did I get funny looks once I left the Target bathroom stall because I tripped over my left foot while doing Denim Dips and crashed in to the wall?  Maybe.  Did I have the indention of a button and zipper on my gut when I took off the jeans at the end of the day?  Maybe.  Did I dwell on any of these negatives?  HELL TO THE NO!  I don’t care if these jeans are clearly mismarked (I am not a size 12) or that many people judged me.  Nope, I thanked sweet baby Jesus for inventing Empire waist shirts and the abililty to layer and wore those jeans like I was getting paid for it.  Me fitting in to these jeans is a lot like putting Fluffette in 3 month clothing.  It may hurt a little and some shit’s gonna  get dislocated, but it CAN.BE.DONE!! 
The success of fitting in to these jeans (and I use the term “fitting in to” very loosely) helped me make better choices.  Rather than eat Raising Cane’s with the rest of my family, I opted for a Lean Cuisine instead (and then took a bite of a chicken tender when nobody was looking).  It also helped me complete Week 4 day 2 of my Couch to 5k as well as start Jillian Michael’s Ripped in 30.  I have fallen multiple times but I always stand back up and it is finally paying off.  I’m getting my shape back and even have the slightest hint of muscle in my arms.  I now know that I’m capable of doing this. 
Rockin my painted on fat jeans!
As the old saying goes: “Life is not measured by the amount of times you fall but by your ability to stand back up and kick life in the balls”.  Ok, this isn’t an “old saying” but definitely a "Fluffy saying”! 
Today I stand tall (mostly because my jeans are too tight and my ability to bend is limited).  I have life by the ears and I’m kicking it square in the balls.  
Fluffy  in Frisco

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Bringing Sexy Back: Attempt #4,598

Approximately 62.47% of women struggle with getting off the weight they gained during pregnancy.  Now, before you get all “fact check-y” on me, I made up this number so I didn’t have to actually do research.  You are already fully aware of my high level of laziness so this shouldn’t surprise you. 

Anyways, since becoming a mother (and on top of that, a stay at home mother), I have found that the simple pleasures in life are no longer that “simple”.  Not only have I struggled with losing the weight, I’ve also struggled with putting myself together.  I will admit that in the last 4.5 months, I have spent most days in sweats and a t-shirt and rockin a matted side pony (no, not on purpose).    I don’t always brush my hair….or my teeth and if I shower before noon, I consider that an exceptional day.  I rarely dry my hair and have used the ol’ straightener about 3 times in the past year.  I feel that I consistently smell like thrown up formula or baby pee and could change a poopy diaper in my sleep.  All of this and I wonder why I have such a low self image?!?!!? 

Last week I took matters in to my own hands and decided that I needed to put more effort in to ME.  First stop was the nail salon.  I went for a much needed mani/pedi and eyebrow wax.  Luckily, I wear glasses so I was able to cover up the small family of birds that nested in my eyebrows.   I was not, however, able to cover up the dry crustiness on my heels.  My cheeks flushed pink when they had to bring out the industrial strength sander and saw but I didn’t care, it was worth it.  I left the salon feeling like a new woman.  It’s amazing what a little nail polish can do!

Next stop…the mall.  I, like most girls, LOVE to shop but shopping when you feel like a fat cow is definitely not at the top of my list.  I have exactly one pair of pants that currently fit  (actually a little too big…holla)and probably 5 shirts that I can wear.  None of which are the least bit flattering.  As I walked from store to store (over multiple days), I kept waiting for a Pretty Woman moment.  “I’m sorry, we don’t have anything here for you”.  Luckily, that never happened.  Unfortunately, I have an issue sometimes with opposite self image syndrome where I think that I am much smaller than I actually am.  I will pick up a size, frolic to the dressing room then find myself in tears because that size doesn’t fit over my calves.  Or, I put on an outfit in a dressing room and think that I look hotter than a barrel of fire only to take a picture and see that I need to upgrade my phone so I can have the panoramic picture option to fit my hips in the picture.  To say that shopping was a disappointment is the understatement of the year.  I found a couple of shirts, a pair of shoes and a necklace.  That’s it.  I’m planning to steer clear of any stores until I am no longer considered Plus Size. 

After having several crying fits over clothes and my inability to look good in them, I decided I would try something scary.  Make-up.  Those of you that know me, know that I do NOT wear make-up.  I’m more of a “what you see is what you get” type of gal.  This is actually code for me being too lazy to spend the time to put on makeup.  IF I wear makeup, it’s powder, mascara and chapstick.  I decided that I would amp that up a tiny bit by going to Sephora for eyeshadow.  I wanted something easy that I could apply in one swift brush stroke that would lighten my eyes beneath my glasses.  The lady very quickly informed me that I would need to have several layers to accomplish this so I accepted her challenge.  I told her that she’d have to show me.  So I went and sat down while she went through one bajillion steps of how to make my eyes pop.  That seems easy enough (rolling eyes).  Ok, now it’s my turn to try what I’ve just learned on my other eye.  All of a sudden I turned in to Edward Scissorhands and couldn’t.hold.the.brush.  It was the most awkward looking thing ever and the makeup lady had her hand on her heart and I know she wanted to say “Bless your heart”.  Bytch.  I dismissed her pity and kept going.  Primer…check.  First color all over eyelid….check.  Second color on eyeball part of lid…check.  Third color just on eyebrow bone….fail!  As I was trying to follow her instructions and do a circular motion over the brow bone she kept saying “Brow bone……brow bone…your brow bone….no, your brow bone”.  With each time she said “brow bone” her voice got a little louder.  I said “um….where is my brow bone?”.  So, she took my finger and showed me.  “Ohhhh….my BROW BONE, yes, yes….I got it”.   During this time, Cam’s (from Modern Family)  younger, thinner twin became my cheerleader.  He kept telling me that I was doing great and that it would take time to get used to it.  “oh girrrrl, we need mascara now.  I’ll show you a great tip”.  Awesome!  Another thing that will make me look like a 3 year old that just got in to her mother’s makeup.  Can’t wait. (sarcasm font)  So he told me to look down and he placed the mascara wand at the base of my eyelashes and wiggled it up.  He said that it would make my eyelashes look longer and fuller.  Unfortunately, when I tried it for myself, it just looked like clumpy tarantula legs.  He tilted his head to one side and had a pity smile on his face and told me to keep trying because it will really make my eyes POP.  Deep sigh.  So, I loaded up every product they showed me and headed to the checkout.  $84 later and these eyes better do more than just POP!  They better make my husband’s pants fall off!!!  (by the way, it totally flip.  Sorry mom)

And so, for the first time in a long time, I put myself together.  I dried my hair, straightened my hair and did my bangs in a little braid to keep them back out of my eyes.  I put on foundation, powder, 44 steps of eye makeup and mascara and even lipstick!  Mr. Fluff, Fluffette and I headed to the Dallas Arboretum for our Day Date and I will admit…I felt great!  Mr. Fluff told me how beautiful I looked and for the first time in a long time, I believed him.  I won’t bore you with the fact that I sweated my ass off at the Arboretum so my makeup was short lived and most of it ended up on napkins.  Nope, that’s a minor detail.  Later that afternoon, I reapplied, put on some heels and a cute top and went on a date with my husband.  This was VERY needed and we had the most amazing time.  I fell in love with him all over again.  (are you crying yet?.  Bwhahah)

Yup, I made an effort and it felt great.  You know what else feels great?  Weightloss.  I’ve lost 4.2 pounds since October 4th.  This is wonderful news considering my recent run-in with funnel cake.  I am now 21.2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and 46.2 pounds away from my ultimate goal.  I will get there eventually and when I do, the malls of Collin County better watch the f*ck out!!!

Makup Artist of the Year,
Fluffy in Frisco

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Fallin and Suckin

Well, I fell off the wagon…again.  I know this is a complete shocker given my background at being super awesome at sticking with stuff.  I first started to teeter towards the edge last week during a cupcake class (decorating cupcakes isn’t the best choice one could make on their weight loss journey).  I managed to make it through most of the day without eating a cupcake but then I finally fell, face first, in a pile of cupcakes. 

It didn’t stop there.  I worked out last Monday, then not again for the remainder of the week.  The weather in good ol’ Texas fell below the 90s so all I wanted to do was curl up with Fluffette and watch Flipping Out and every Real Housewives of Anything episode ever aired.  As each day passed, I told myself that I would “work out twice tomorrow”.   I had good intentions but damn Andy Cohen down at Bravo decided to air yet another marathon of catty girls at each other’s throats so I HAD to watch! 

As if I hadn’t fallen hard enough, I then realized that I got one of my sausage legs stuck in the spokes of said ‘wagon’.  Before I had the chance to stand up, I realized that I was at Octoberfest and there was a Funnel Cake lying next to me.  With the powdered sugar and fried goodness remains still gathered around my mouth, I then ate a turkey leg……and nachos….and Sonic Cheese sticks…..and my Grandma’s earthquake cake….and her homemade bread….and her homemade biscuits and sausage gravy.  (There’s actually saliva dripping from my lips just thinking about.  Damn, that woman can cook!) 

On the drive home from Grandma’s house on Sunday, I realized just how hard I’d fallen. I felt awful and bloated and downright disgusting. I reassured myself that I am human and temptation lies around every corner.  I am not yet strong enough to say no to Sonic Cheese sticks.  I will pray that they go out of business so that I won’t have to worry about that temptation any longer.  I realized that I needed to stand myself up, dust off the powdered sugar, and just move forward. 

Monday was a new day so I put on my spandex and running shoes and I started over……again.  When I got home from my run, I turned on 30 Day Shred and spent the next 20 minutes on Level 3 with my pal, Jillian Michaels.  I cursed her for being skinny and also for not being nearly as funny as she thinks she is.  Nobody’s laughing at your jokes, Jillian.  NO ONE!!   I digress.  I then realized that I just flat out suck at eating right and exercising but vowed to myself to work on it. 

Speaking of things I suck at……I took another cupcake decorating class today and wanted to share some pictures with you.  I was craughing (crying from laughing so hard) in the middle of class by just how awful my cupcakes turned out.  Please see below for proof.

1.        Panda.  Guess which one is mine.

It appears that my Panda has a bit of a weight problem.  And by the looks of the left side of her face, she has also fallen off the wagon many a time.  The teacher came up to me and said, "It will look better once you get all the components on it.".  "um.....I'm done".  She walked away.

We were supposed to make two but my eyes were swollen from craughing so I just couldn’t do it again.  So I left them like this:

I continued to put my "special" stamp on a Fish Bowl, Monarch Butterfly and Crazy Horse.  I think it’s safe to say that I...NAILED IT! 

The morale of the story is this:  When you think that you suck REAL bad at eating right and exercising, just take a look around.  The world is FULL of other things you suck at! 

Coming soon to Cupcake Wars,
Fluffy in Frisco

Thursday, October 11, 2012

10 Things I Hate About You

It seems I’ve gained a new pen pal through my weight loss highs and lows.  I decided to share our most recent correspondence with you.  It went a little something like this…..

1.        I hate the way your arse jiggles when you run.  No, you do NOT look like you’re running on the beaches of Baywatch.  Please stop telling yourself that.
2.       I hate that your running playlist includes songs from: NKOTB, Miley Cyrus, Jessica Simpson and Naughty by Nature.
3.       I hate that when your scale fell below 200 (fat ass)this week that you were 2 seconds away from having a one woman wet t-shirt contest.
4.       I hate that you would’ve lost the wet t-shirt contest.
5.       I hate that you spend 20 minutes talking yourself out of a late night snack. You are not hungry.
6.       I hate that your ankles are larger than Fluffette's thighs.  (and I don’t need to remind you how chunky her thighs are)
7.       I hate that while changing  Fluffette's  diaper today, you sang "Fluffette, Fluffette .  Why the eff is your diaper wet.  Fluffette, Fluffette .   I mutha fuggin just changed that shet”.  You will NEVER get a record deal. Please let it go.
8.       I hate that you told yourself that when you get down to 145 pounds you will run a 5k in a bikini.  You have too far to go…and, let’s face it, the world ain’t ready for that shit!
9.       I hate that you keep pinning skinny jeans and leggings for “style inspiration” on Pinterest.  You could never pull this off, sausage legs.
10.   I hate that you struggle so much with your weight.  You were so happy in a size 6.  Why’d you have to go and eff that up??!!?!

Keep dreamin,
Skuffy (skinny fluffy)

Dear Skuffy,
First off, let me applaud you for getting your inspiration for this letter from a cheesy movie made in the 90’s.  Even Julia Stiles is ashamed of that film.  (rolling eyes) 

I was going to address each of the above comments separately but decided I don’t have time for your cattiness.  This stupid attempt at getting in my head while I struggle through losing this baby weight (plus 25 pounds) is just dumb and I’m not falling for it.  Please remove the giant stick from your ass and stop taking yourself so seriously.  Now, go put on your party pants and come ride this ‘Slip n Slide o’ life’ WITH me! 

And, I (don’t) hate to be the one to break this to you, but you have fat ankles too.  It’s where we store most of our awesomeness. 

I get knocked down but I get up again.  You’re never gonna keep me down.  (yes, this is a Chumbawamba reference.  I am THAT cool)
Fluffy in Frisco

So, if you’re mad, get mad.  Don’t hold it all inside.  Come on and talk to me now.  Hey, what you got to hide?  I get angry too.  Well, I’m a lot like you.  When you’re standing at the crossroads, and don’t know which path to choose.  Let me come along.  Cause even when you’re wrong, I’ll stand by you.  I’ll staaand by you.  Won’t let nobody hurt you.  I’ll stand by you.

Yes, I stole the lyrics from “I’ll stand by you”.  Sue me.

Your partner in crime,

Yes, my pen pal is the skinny version of myself. 
Yes, I know I’m crazy. 
No, I don’t want the number to your psychiatrist.

Side note: If anyone actually reads this blog, please comment and tell me what song really gets you going!  Apparently, I need to update my running playlist. (dramatic deep sigh)

Knuckle bumps,
Fluffy in Frisco

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Fat, The Skinny and The Fluffy

Today I decided to take a little stroll down memory lane and share a couple of pictures with you.  The first picture is me at my heaviest.  This picture is from 2004 and I was pushing 3 hunsky. 

I’ll give you a moment to clean up the vomit……………………………………………………….  You missed some.  No, on the other side.  Ok, I think you got it all. 

That's right, I barely fit in to that poor, unsuspecting booth.  To get this way, I ate…and ate…..and ate.  And then ate some more.  I haven’t looked at this picture in quite some time and it’s definitely a swift kick to the balls.  I’ve blocked out this time in my life and honestly don’t remember ever being this large and (not) in charge.  Bottom line, I ate my feelings…and apparently the feelings of those within a 20 mile radius. 

Fast forward to skinnier days….

In 2005, I underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost 140 pounds.  I wasn’t at my thinnest in this picture but I was well on my way (around a size 8).  This was one of my first attempts (of many) to bring sexy back.  Sooooo close..(laughing).

And here I am today (after my run), smack dab in the middle of it all.

 Since giving birth to a toddler Fluffette, I’ve lost 35.6 pounds of the 61 pounds I gained during pregnancy.  For that, I am proud, but I have so far to go! 

I think this is a good time to turn this bytch in to a list.  Since starting this mind eff of a journey on September 5th, I’ve:

1.       Lost 7.8 pounds.
2.      Lost 3 inches overall.
3.      Completed Level 2 of 30 Day Shred.
4.      Completed Week 2, Day 2 of Couch to 5k
5.      Exchanged my love of Taco Bell’s Double Decker Taco and Chicken Burrito (770 calories) for 3 Fresco  Tacos (420 calories)
6.      Written 7 posts in this blog.  Halfway to my goal!
7.      Received a Keurig coffee maker as a gift for being so awesome from Mr. Fluff.  This has no bearing on the story but I’m happier than a bird with a French fry! 
8.      Picked up 20+ followers, none of which are family!
9.      Started to track my food intake in My Fitness Pal.
10.  Quit tracking my food in My Fitness Pal.  (I’m so lazy)
11.  Signed up for the 2012 Turkey Trot.  That’s right bytches, I’ve signed up for my first run EVER.  I’m super excited but the thought of this also gives me a mild case of ‘rhea.  Deep breaths, Fluffy, deep breaths.

To end this random  and all over the place post, I leave you with this….

Just bein’ all awesome,
Fluffy in Frisco