Thursday, May 30, 2013

A Star is Born

It felt like the night before the first day of school.  I couldn't sleep a wink.  As I tossed and turned, I wondered what I would wear for what was sure to be the biggest day of my life.  Did I pack everything I needed?  I mean......the only things I didn't pack were the sofa and recliner but those just wouldn't fit in my bag.

We checked in to the hospital before 8am.  There was some issue with paperwork so we would have to wait until my doctor got out of another surgery before they could start the pitocin.  Those hours were filled with mindless tv for me and working from his laptop for Mr. Fluff.  I was so glad that Mr. Fluff got lost in his work.  I didn't want to talk.  I didn't want to entertain.  I just wanted to BE.  I wanted to soak in my last moments of being "Fluffy" before my world forever changed and I became "Fluffette's Mom".  It could be minutes...or hours before I would meet the alien that's been kicking me in my lady junk for the past few months.

At 11 am, they started the Pitocin.  I was dilated to 2cm.  Within minutes I started feeling the contractions that had flooded the computer screen all morning long.  By 11:30, I needed pain medication.  They kept telling me that I could get my epidural at any time but I wanted to hold out as long as I could.  I knew that I would be "in labor" for hours and wanted to make damn sure that there was plenty of "epidural" in me when the time came to push out a toddler from my lady hole.  At some point, they decided to insert some device inside my junk to better watch my contractions.  If anyone EVER requests to insert something in your ladyjunk....other than male junk.....JUST.SAY.NO.  It hurt like a mutha fugga.  Immediately following, they broke my water.  It felt like a constant stream of goo was coming out for what seemed like days.

At this point, the contractions were stronger and unbearable.  I applaud any woman that can do this without drugs.  However, I'm fully aware that Fluffette will be a huge pain in my arse for the rest of my life.  So, if there's a time that it's acceptable for me to take drugs to get through something.....count me in.  They said I would feel just a few more contractions after I received my epidural.  I felt NONE.  The next couple of hours were a major blur.  I was beyond high on life.  Every time they came to check me, they flipped me to the other side.  I'm assuming that was just to make sure my bed sores were evenly distributed.  

At 1:45, they said I was fully dilated.  We did a practice push...whatever the hell that is.  At 2pm it was game on.  I FELT NOTHING.   No pressure.  Nothing.  They said push and I did what I hoped was 'pushing'.  I pushed for hours and hours and hours.

Just kidding....I pushed for 35 minutes.

On May 29, 2012 at 2:35 pm, Violet Hayes Austin was born.  She weighed 8.1 pounds and was 20.5 inches long.

The past year has been absolutely effing crazy.  Good days, bad days.  Blood, sweat, tears, more tears, laughter, snorting, Friends marathons, more tears, insanity and happiness.

Fluffette, you make me want to drink and you test my patience on an hourly basis but your level of awesomeness amazes me daily.  We are so lucky to be the ones to eff you up so much that years and years of therapy won't even break the surface of your issues your parents!  We love you so much and can't wait until you turn 18 so you can move out and we can start drinking heavily again to see what the future holds for you!

Happy belated Birthday, Boogie!  (yes, you have 153 with it)

I recently ran in to one of the baby nurses from the child safety course we took before Fluffette was born.  She asked how my labor went and I told her.  She said, "WOW!  That's quick, especially for your first time. I wouldn't tell anyone that story"

And.....since I don't like it when people try to boss me......I shared my story anyways!  


In the name of childbirth and blown out vag's....I'd like to welcome baby BoBo!!!  (I received permission to share this picture with you and was specifically asked NOT to call him BoBo.  That's so cute that Hippy thinks I listen to her.  :)

He was born on 5/21.  BoBo and Fluffette's love story is just beginning.  They don't know it yet but they're getting married someday.  We don't care if they love each other.  Not everything can be about them.  Hippy in Hutto and Fluffy in Frisco WILL be in-laws someday.  End.of.story.

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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Cabo San Fluffy

Less then 2 minutes.  We missed our flight check in by less than 2 minutes.  As I've stated before, I am deathly afraid of flying and take multiple Xanax to make it through.  If it were up to me, we would camp out at the airport DAYS before our flight to make sure everything goes smoothly.  My version of the story would  completely blame Mr. Fluff for us being late but the reality of it is that A. we packed every summery item we have in our house so when we weighed our baggage at home it was too heavy so we had to shuffle crap around last minute and B. I didn't get my passport amended so it still had my maiden name on it.  Because of this, we couldn't check ourselves in.  Instead, we had to walk 14 miles, in the snow, uphill to the American Airlines desk so that we could be checked in manually.

We now had 3 hours to kill in the airport.  After we had some breakfast, we did what any true American would do.....we started to drink.

Once we finally arrived in Cabo, we realized we forgot to arrange transportation to the Hotel.  We ended up on a 10 person bus with 12 people....and a 3 year old.  She was screaming her face off the entire trip.  It was sad and cute at first then I wanted to throw her out the window another beer and a shot of tequila.  When we stepped off the bus at our hotel, I could feel it.  FREEDOM!!!!!

And then we realized one of our bags was missing.  Are you effing kidding me?????  Luckily, they called and it was at one of the other hotels.  It arrived safely over an hour later.

Even with our rough start to the trip, it was absolutely amazing.  I would venture to say that it's the best trip that Mr. Fluff and I have ever gone on together.  No work emails.   No Facebook.  No Candy Crush.  No pooping and screaming kids.  Just the sound of the waves crashing on the ocean and the blender making us another Pina Colada or Miami Vice.

Horseback riding on the beach...with a a skirt.  #keepinitclassy

Our view for breakfast in our room

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Yes, I chose to share a picture with me holding a bigger fish than Mr. Fluff

We caught over 15 fish...and a pelican.  These fellas had a full on boner!   They were so excited.  The day before they only caught 1 Mahi Mahi.  

They took some of our fish to their restaurant and made us Ceviche and Sashimi with the fish we caught that morning.  

Then grilled and blackened.  It was amazing!

Walk on the beach.  That's our hotel in the background.  

By the last day, I was ballsy enough to wear a bikini.  Yes I'm sucking it.  Mr. Fluff said I look like I have 4  boobs because my ribs were sticking out.  (my ribs haven't been the same since birthing Fluffette)

Infinity pool overlooking the ocean.

Did NOT want me to take his picture. 

This is some sort of Mexican cucumber....or a Sea Cucumber.....or some slimy azz  thing that they guide made me hold.  

Leaving the hotel on the last day.  We stayed at Secrets Marquis and will definitely go back!

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Thursday, May 16, 2013

I wanna get white girl wasted...

On April 11, 2013 we booked a trip through Expedia for a getaway to Cabo.  I have been dreaming about this trip ever since.  Mama needs a cocktail!  When we go on the computer Tuesday night to print off our was nowhere to be found.  After multiple calls to Expedia and our bank, it was determined that I would need to call back Wednesday morning and speak to someone in the credit card department to see why they charged our card but no other records were found. 

I knew in my mind that I was about to go cray cray on whatever poor Expedia soul happened to get my phone call that morning.  I did a few exercises in preparation for my battle. 

Once my stretches were complete, I was ready to fight some bytches.  That phone call would end with our room being upgraded and our seats being upgraded to First Class.  Period.  Take no prisoners. 

Fast forward twenty minutes and I was blushing and talking in a high pitched voice, "oh, thank you so so much.  You are amazing."

What had happened was......when we made the reservations, we not only signed in as a 'guest', but we also put in the wrong email address.  #issueswithbeingstupid.

The trip is on!

Deep sigh of relief.  We NEED this trip.  Like Lindsay Lohan needs rehab and a good hard slap in the face.  Mr. Fluff is worn the eff out from work and I'm worn the eff out by keeping up a household while trying to keep my daughter alive.

I want five days free from laundry, dishes, cooking dinner, changing diapers and calling Poison control because Fluffette decided to gnaw on a cascade packet.  I don't want to clean up after ANYONE, myself included.  I flat out don't want any responsibility other than ordering another drink from the bar or going to make another plate of food from the buffet that will most likely give me explosive 'rhea later.

I don't wanna hear "ma ma" or "da da".  Well....maybe Daddy.  "Has Daddy been bad?  Does Daddy need a spanking? *slaps whip in hand"

I don't want to clean up vomit or drool.  Well...unless, of course, it's my own drool and vomit from drinking and eating too much. 

I want to lay by our private pool in our Casita with a drink in one hand, a carton of cigarettes in the other.  I want to lay in the Mexico sun until the top layer of my skin burns and sheds like a snake. 

I want to get white girl wasted and say severely inappropriate things to the innocent patrons of our hotel.  Like, "If I looked that good in a bikini, I would just stay in my room and play with myself.  *nudges Mr. Fluff*  You know, flick the ol' bean"

I want to annoy the shyt out of Mr. Fluff by asking him to take my picture every 4.3 seconds in hopes of having decent pictures to share with you guys in a couple of weeks. 

Bottom line: I want to live irresponsibly for five days.  Not irresponsible enough to be featured on an episode of Locked up Abroad.  Nope, just enough to feel like I'm young and dumb again.  For five days, I want the Fluffs to party like it's 2011.  Before Fluffette. 

Then I want to come home with my third degree burns and hug Fluffette until she turns 18. 


In preparation for my trip, I wanted to get as bikini ready as possible.  We can all agree that I have ZERO business in a swimsuit...much less a bikini.  However, I've been doing this bikini challenge and after only 13 days I can already see a difference.  DO IT!

I also decided to share what I take EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  Fish Oil: 2 a day.  Glucosomine: 2 a day because I'm an old lady with old lady joints.  Catalyst: 2 a day.  I love taking these right before a workout.  They help me get through.  Multi-Vitamin: This is Hair, Skin & Nails.  I bought it at Costco so it should last until 2023.  Spark:  I usually drink a couple cups of coffee in the morning.  Then I drink Spark with Lunch, then again at Dinner time to get me through my nightly duties.  I highly recommend each of these products!  They have definitely all worked together to help me be successful so far in my weight-loss journey. 

Here are a few pictures from the past week. 

Drinkin and Paintin. 

Thank you, Courtney for my wonderful Birthday present.  I had sooo much fun! 

My First Mother's my goal jeans.

Gettin flipped off by my new nephew.  I guess he's already heard about my crazy arse! 

Everyone have a wonderful week!  I won't be posting next week because I'll be way too shyt faced to type out actual words. 

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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

33 Things

Yesterday I turned the big 33.  Don’t worry if you forgot, there’s still plenty of time to send me elaborate gifts well wishes.  In honor of my birthday I decided to share 33 random and mostly stupid things you may not know about me. 

1.        I like to make lists
2.       I have Panic Anxiety disorder. Large crowds give me explosive ‘rhea.
3.       I’ve done 9 out of 10 things I said I would NEVER do as a mother.
4.       I’m starting my own business called Dumpster Darlins Designs LLC.
5.       I hate cats.  Purring is CUH-REEPY.  I once rescued a cat, asked my sister to cat-sit….then never picked it back up.  Several years later she still has that damn cat.
6.       I’m obsessed with gory stories.  When I see that someone died, I want to know every detail of how it happened.
7.       I used to want to be CSI but then realized that my poor attention to detail would set me up for failure.
8.       I first got married when I was 24.  Divorced when I was 26.  (it was my ‘starter marriage’)
9.       Regardless of how much weight I lose or how tone I get, I will never fully love my body.  I’m human.
10.   All the scars and stretch marks I have tell MY story….and it’s a damn good one.
11.   I want to write a book someday. 
12.   I miss at least one patch of hair EVERY time I shave.
13.   Booger is one of my favorite words.  I call Fluffette “Boogie”
14.   I love Christmas movies.  Falalala Lifetime rocks my face off.
15.   I have a horrible habit of picking my nose.
16.   I rap the alphabet to Fluffette.
17.   I’m super gangsta.
18.   I will someday make a rap video.
19.   I live for inappropriate jokes.  I love laughing at something I shouldn’t.
20.   People may think I’m uber confident or conceited. I’m actually quite insecure. 
21.   We think that everything Fluffette does is absolutely amazing……because…well….it SOOO is.
22.   Fluffette got 5 new teeth in the past week.  If this ever happens again, one Baby Teeth Grower Fairy will die.
23.   I am deathly afraid of flying.  I once had a panic attack on a plane and ended up tripping down the aisle shouting for the flight attendant to let me off.  They pulled back in to the hanger and the whole plane had to wait 2 hours for them to retrieve my luggage.
24.   I watch Nick at Nite every.single.night.
25.   I’ve saved over $100 this year using my Target Red Debit Card.
26.   I have a tramp stamp tattoo that says “Free to Fly”.   I was well over 250 pounds when I got it.  When I lost weight the tattoo shrunk and now looks like it says “Fretty”. 
27.   In high school, some friends and I bought a lock and lock cutters to change out their parents liquor cabinet lock.  We drank everything in there then refilled everything with water.   We drank A LOT of liquor before they caught on.  That was when we first realized we were geniuses. 
28.   I’ve lost 70 pounds since being pregnant.
29.   Yes, I count the pounds I lost from actually birthing a baby.  If you don’t think that requires hard work then you are stupid misinformed.
30.   I’m 15.2 pounds away from my goal weight of 150.
31.   I fit in to my goal jeans.
Before - June 2012

32.   At the ripe old age of 33, I am more accepting of my imperfections than I ever have been.  There are many things I would change if I could but I’ve worked hard for this dimply body and I’ll rock this shyt till the day I die.
33.   I had a friend reach out to me and tell me that she’s lost 34 pounds because I inspired her.  This meant more to me than she will ever know. 
34.   I didn’t think I’d be able to come up with 33 things! 

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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Gone with the Wind Fabulous

Saturday was the day that my stepsister got married.  Unfortunately, I will never look on that day as a beautiful day for a white wedding but rather the day of a thousand stings.  To me…and to my (blood) family.  I won’t get in to the gory details right now because there are many conversations that still need to take place and many wounds that need to heal.  I am a mature adult (sometimes) and on that day, I looked deep in to my closet and found my happy face.  I wore that bytch ALL.DAY.LONG. 

I took the high road.
I won’t focus on the bad of that day but rather the good.  I started my preparation at 1pm getting my hair did.

After my hair appointment I stopped at a gas station.  As I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window, I laughed out loud.  I truly looked like a librarian and was sure that everyone wanted to ask me which prom I’d be chaperoning that night.  I am so old!

From there, I decided to swing by my dad’s house to get a xanax.  You see, Thursday night at the rehearsal, I sure did trip down the aisle.  Not gracefully.  That’s just not me.  It was full on slow motion with arms flailing about.  I then made everyone do the whole thing over again so I could practice……then did no less than 7 more practice walks down the aisle.  Who the hell makes a wedding walkway with uneven pavers down a small hill?!?!?!!?!!?

I digress. 

The xanax was an attempt to calm my nerves about walking down the front of people….in a strapless dress.  Visions of everyone seeing my nip-poleans danced in my head.
Make-up was next on my list.  As many of you know, I have zero clue about applying makeup and though I try sometimes, I still manage to look like a two dollar hooker.  Not a good look…for anyone. 

The woman at Sephora was ABSOLUTELY amazing.  I told her that I wanted my eyes to pop. She apparently heard, “I want to make a drag queen jealous”.  She just kept applying…and applying…and applying.  I was a little nervous but then she turned me around and all I could say was “WOW”.  I know that I’m not the prettiest girl in the world but I also know that the sight of me doesn’t necessarily make people want to vomit well, except for my ex-husband.  I fall somewhere in between. 

I showed up to the bridal suite and was showered with compliments.  I was the only person in the bridal party that decided to get my hair and make-up done professionally so I felt a little overdone.  At first it stressed me out but then I decided that I wanted to be the best version of ME on that day. 

All the months of sweat, blood and tears were realized on this day.  All the times I fell.  All the times I brushed myself off and stood back up.  All the times I wanted to quit.  All the times I JUST KEPT GOING.  I’m at least 20 pounds from my goal but I didn’t dwell on that.  Not that day. 

This day of a thousand stings will also be the day I felt the most beautiful in my ENTIRE life.  I held my head high mostly because the bobby pins were poking me.  I flexed my arms during pictures to hide my fat arms.  And when people told me that I was stunning and beautiful, I believed them.  I fully understand that many of those compliment giving people were drinking and that some of them are “up there in age” so their sight may have been failing them.  Regardless, when they looked at me, they didn’t see fat rolls or cellulite or ginormous legs and arms.  They saw beauty. 

I FELT beauty…and it was amazing. 

“I am gone with the wind fabulous.  Twirl.  Twirl.  Twirl.”  (this is a ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ reference.  Watch it dammit!)

Me and my dad

Happy 11 months, Fluffette!

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