Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The F Word

I'm sure most of you thought this would be an entire post about "eff you see kay".  Well....get a hold of yourselves.  Who the hell writes an entire post about "fruck"?  Um....nobody.  You should really have higher standards for what you read.  SMH (mom, that means 'shaking my head')

Just kidding...I would totally write an entire post about that word....just not today.  Today, I'm talking about Failure and more specifically the fear of failure.  As I've said multiple times along this journey, I am truly awful at not finishing things I start.  Why?  Because I'm scared shytless of failing.  Like...more scared than Theresa Guidice that she'll spend the next 10 years in an orange jumper because orange and bronze don't look that good together.  (mom, Theresa is a character on Real Housewives of Atlanta)

A famous person once said,

"It is better to have not tried and not failed, than to try and realize you suck really bad"
                                                                                                                        -Fluffy Anonymous

This fear has been very present in the last 12 months while I struggled, succeeded, got knocked down and stood back up again. I struggle. I survive.  For me, weight loss is a complete and utter mind eff.  My inner demons are extremely strong when it comes to food.  I'm OBSESSED with it.  I don't like wasting it.  Throwing food in the trash full on gives me a case of the "twitchy neck".

This is my only issue.  I place way too much importance on my relationship with food.  I realize it and I will continue to work on it.  Girl Scout's honor.

I haven't shared any of my measurements or pictures of my not at all sexy body recently because...well....I suck.  That stops today.  (this is where Mr. Fluff would make some comment about how I 'stopped sucking a long time ago'.  Then he would laugh thinking he was finally funnier than me.  No such luck, Mr. Fluff....NO.SUCH.LUCK)

Thanks to Holly, I have like one bajillion new followers this week so you'll need to go check out Watch For Dropping Balls  to get a little bit of my backfat story.

We'll all wait.

Done? read slow.

Back?  Fy-nuh-leeeeeeeee.

Ok, time for measurements and pictures.   I didn't take my first set of measurements until September 5, 2012.  On the day Fluffette was born, May 29 2012, I weighed in at 236 pounds.

 September 2012
Weight: 208.2
Chest:  41
Arms:  14
Waist:   39.25
Thigh:  28.5
Calf:  17.75

July 31, 2013
Weight: 165.2
Chest:  35 inches
Arm: 11.5 inches
Waist:  31 inches
Thigh:  24.25 inches
Calf:  15.75 inches

No, those are not a second set of boobies.  That is my fat roll.  August 2012.  12 weeks post blown out vag.  

Squatting "Before"  September 2012

Pink Tank July 2013

Super proud of how my shoulders and back are coming along.  Still need a plastic surgeon to take care of that skin on my arms (for free)

Whoaaaaa......did you know that sometimes your thighs can have a gap in between them??!?!?!??!?  WHO KNEW!
Whenever my inner demons start to get the better of me, I like to compare my fat self to my less fat self.  I can definitely see progress and that's all I need to motivate me know....NOT FAIL.

Wherever you are in your weightloss quest, please take pictures of yourself.  They may make you projectile vomit all over yourself and your neighbor but someday, when you're feeling like a big pile of fat, sweaty whale blubber, you can look back at those pictures and feel proud.

I'm 15(ish) pounds away from my goal weight so it's time to rally, bytches.  I WILL DO THIS.


Speaking of other things that I hope I don't fail at.......

Dumpster Darlins is here Bytches!!!!  I'm beyond scared that I will be an absolute failure but I'm goin for it dammit!

I've started a Facebook page that will truly suck because I'm at like a 1st grade level in social media so bare with me.

A few things:
- all items posted on the page are available for sale OR rent.  If you have a wedding, photo shoot, baby shower or birthday party do we have the props for you!!  (insert flailing arm inflatable guy)
- My first show will be at The ORLY Market in Mckinney, TX on August 16th & 17th
- Exciting things are coming soon and will be available to ship all over the country! know....go like my page...or don't....I mean...I don't even really care...but seriously GO LIKE MY PAGE.

How can you say no to this face??

Just say no-yo to fro-yo

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Sunday, July 21, 2013

Is that a baby in your belly....or are you just happy to see me?

Last Monday started like every other Monday.  I woke up being awesome and continued the trend for most of the day.  Then, while cooking dinner, I started feeling weak.  I was extremely tired all of a sudden and ached all over.  I ended up going to bed at like 7:30.  When Mr. Fluff came to bed he decided to take my temperature rectally.  It read 101.5.  He went in to flip out mode and said that if it went even the slightest bit higher he was taking me to the ER.  Then he promptly got on Google to put in my symptoms.
“Do you have any bug bites?”
“Is your stomach upset?”
“No, I’m fine. “

He then jokingly said, “What if you’re pregnant”.

I couldn’t believe he would say something so mean to me!  The truth is that I thought the exact same thing and it freaked me the eff out. 

After a little more research, it was determined that I did NOT have West Nile Virus so he was able to roll over and go to sleep.  Phew!  Glad HE felt better. 

Wednesday, I still felt out of whack but decided to take one for the team and go to a Widespread Panic concert.  I’m assuming if you’ve never heard of this band, then you also prolly don’t own a hacky sack?  Weird.  I’d never heard of them before meeting Mr. Fluff but they are one of his all time favorite bands.  He used to follow them around and camp out to watch concerts.  It’s a whole different vibe now.  All the fans that used to show up on their bikes or in a Volkswagen Bus are now arriving in their Range Rovers and Audi’s.  Times have changed.  (I tried really hard to get a picture of Mr. Fluff dancing aka chicken wings.)

The rest of my week was fairly uneventful.  Swim classes for V, painting furniture for my new biz-nass and schoolin some bytches in Hip Hop Hustle class.  And by “schoolin some bytches” I mean “sloppin sweat all over them while tryin to do the  ‘showgirl…then down low’.   I know I shouldn’t make fun of anyone in the class but I WILL say that I, apparently, did NOT get the memo that the class on Friday was actually tryouts for backup dancers for The Pussycat Dolls.  So to you, Mrs. Big Loopy Curled Hair and Perfect Make-up and Not an Ounce of Sweat Girl……I HOPE YOU GOT THE GIG!!! 

End Rant.  I’m just jealous I don’t look that cute on any given day, much less when I’m working out. 

Friday night came and I decided I needed to put on my big girl panties for a local meet up.  Holly from Where We Can Live Like Jack and Sally, Skinny Meg, Mama Laughlin and Becka from KikiLaRue would all be there.  I called Mr. Fluff at 4:30pm and told him I’d be attending a Mama Laughlin event that evening to allow him some father/daughter bonding time.  I pretty much heard him roll his eyes over the phone.  He thinks I’m full on crazy.  He apparently didn’t read my post about meeting ML and us becoming immediate friends.  Hair Flip.   ‘Holla at me Holly’ was coming to Dallas all the way from St. Louis and George Dammit,  I wanted to meet her! 

I swear it was like getting ready for a date.  I had ZERO clue what the hell I should wear to something like this.  I mean…what, exactly, does one wear to an event that she will meet a couple of her blog crushes?  My wedding dress?  A cocktail dress?  Yoga pants and a sports bra?  So I went with something that will never go out of style….

I kid, I kid.  Once I looked in the mirror and felt that I looked “cute..but not so cute that you look like you’re trying too hard”, I popped a Xanax and headed to Bowl 300 in Addison.  I sat in my car for a few minutes and reminded myself that I am a complete and utter nutbag for going but the restraining order against me would most likely clear in the next few days so this may be my last chance to meet Holly and SkinnyMeg so I may as well take it!  (restraining orders are nothing to joke about so …you know…don’t stalk people for real)

I walked in and spotted Holly in her Neon pink shirt so I headed over chanting “HEY…I’M A CRAZY BYTCH BUT I BLOG SO MEDIOCRE  I’M ALL OVER THIS” in my head.   Yes, I changed up the words.   I’m super creative like that. 

Holly turned around and said, “FLUFFY!!!  I have to take a picture with you, my husband thinks you’re sooo funny and skinny”.

Um…I’m sorry…what?!?!!?!  I was here to meet HER yet she was so excited to meet ME. 
That was prolly one of the best moments of my adult life but I drink a lot so I have very few memories of my adult life.  That really set the tone for the rest of the night.  It was truly soooo much fun!  These girls, bloggers and other blogworld fans, are so normal!  They are so down to earth and effing hilarious.  I’ve never met most of these people before yet everyone was so nice and it felt like we’d all hung out before.  HUGE sigh of relief.

The people that know me in real life will not be surprised to know that I did a high kick after each strike or spare that I got, which lead to a High Kick contest in the middle of the bowling alley.  Double Hair Flip. It’s just not a fun night until you get complete strangers to do high kicks….I’m just sayin’.  They don’t even know how close I was to gettin’ them all to play Charades. 

As we all left, I stayed and talked to Brandi (Mama L) for a while.  I started to feel a little light headed so I played it as cool as I could and finally abruptly said “It’s past my bedtime, goodnight”.    I’m hoping she was buzzed and didn’t notice but I felt like I could pass out at any moment. 

Pretty much ever since then, I’ve had it in the back of my mind that I may be prego.  I had that same lightheaded feeling right before I found out I was knocked up with Fluffette.  Babies are awesome….and I think YOU should keep having them but I’m just not there yet.  I mean….Fluffette is way too cute.   How could I ever top this?????

Well, today, I decided to go buy a damn test and get it out of my head.  Those two minutes are the longest two minutes of anyone’s life.  Regardless of the outcome you’re hoping for, it seems like YEARS before you know the results. 

I am very proud to report that there will not be another Fluff Family baby any time soon.  Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

Super Sperm: 0   IUD: 1

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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Out With The Old, In With The New.....Memories

Remember when hot summer days used to be filled with patio drinking and pool parties?  When you could get shyt-faced by 2pm but it was ok because you could just pass out on a pool float?

Yeah, those days are over.

Now, you have a one year old daughter that tries to walk right in to the pool the SECOND she hears you pop a top on a beer. She tries to climb the stairs when you just want to set her down so you can eat some delicious tamales and fajitas.  Then she tries to use the wooden toy to break a window in your friends mother in law's house.

Now, you try to put her down in the upstairs bedroom of a pool party because only then can you truly enjoy your adult beverage and do your best to catch a small buzz.  At that moment you catch a glimpse of your old life when your friend uses the words "fishing and anal" in the same sentence.  You belly laugh and drink more beer.  Ah yes....the good ol' days.

I'm not one of those cool moms that can drink while chasing a small child.  I'm pretty much a lightweight and just don't trust my own judgment when I've been drinking.  "yes, Fluffette, you sure can play with that's some scissors go run around the backyard".

I know....I know....I sound like an ungrateful mother.  Sometimes I probably am.  That's life.  I think most moms, at some point, miss a bit of their old carefree life.  BUT, those old memories slowly but surely get replaced by new memories....

Fluffette's First Carousel Ride with her Mia

"Can I go again?"

"Seriously....give me a damn token"

A girl and her puffs

Fluffette's First Firework Show

Her A.D.D. sunk in shortly after this picture

Just chillin with all the balls from the ball pit.  Epic fail.  #ipromiseshe'snottryingtogagherself

First time at the splash park.  We were NOT prepared so played with our clothes on. #KeepinItKlassy  

I'm pretty sure she's sitting on the jet.  They learn young these days....YOUNG I tell ya!

And, I promise you this....the smile on Fluffette's face for each and every First is far better than ANY cherry vodka sour I've ever tasted except for the ones I had at Martini Park that ONE time I had to be carried out.

Dumpster Darlins Designs is in FULL effect!  Don't worry, I'll beg force you to like my facebook page once I get it set up.  I did a little dumpster divin this week.  DOLLA MAKES ME HOLLA!!

You can't beat free CAN'T.BEAT.FREE!

Don't worry....I'm up to date on all my shots.  (A Yogi....are you done vomitting and covering yourself in hand sanitizer yet?  hehe)

I'm only one bajillion dollars away from my ultimate goal of bajillion dollars.  #dreambig

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Thursday, July 4, 2013

It's Not All Rainbows and Farting Unicorns

I've been a tad on the cranky side the past week.  Yes...I said a TAD, Mr. Fluff.  Just play along and nobody gets hurt.

I have zero patience and pretty much everyone and everything annoys the shyt out of me.

"Why are you breathing so loud?"
"Why are you breathing that way?"

I won't waste a whole post telling you how proud I am that I let the lady at Wal-Mart live another day even though she put my Windex in with my milk.  Am I the only person that doesn't think you should put chemicals in with food?  Oh, you're too scared to answer because I'm crazy.  Valid fear.

I also won't tell you that I decided against listing Fluffette on Craigslist when she had a full on meltdown when I took my wallet from her to pay the nice lady at Wal-Mart for our groceries.  I quickly put her azz in her carseat and thanked sweet baby Jesus when she immediately fell asleep.  Then I looked up the nearest Sonic and ate all five of those damn cheesesticks in the parking pure silence....and loved every minute of it.

If anyone says, "oh, you must be on your period".  I will lose my shyt....I mean...can't a girl just be grumpy?  Why's it always gotta be about an effing period that I should be getting any day now.

So in the peak of my crankiness, I decided to try something new....PIYO.  It's a class that combines Pilates and Yoga.  Two things I'm not very familiar with and the last time I took a yoga class, I almost got kicked out because someone tooted and I REALLY struggled to pull myself together.

I'm MUCH more mature now  *giggles* so I knew I could handle anything that came my way.

I walked in to a room FULL of the skinniest people in America and immediately thought, "I bet all these a-holes can touch their toes".  *dramatically shakes head

I somehow managed to set up shop behind the ballerina and a dude.  The Ballerina could not only reach her toes but she could also touch her chest to the floor whilst touching the toes of the person in front of her.  SHOWOFF.  The Dude was wearing lose fitting shorts and I just knew I'd be a bobbin' and a weavin' through class so I didn't get a mushroom tattoo.  (if you don't know what a mushroom tattoo is, please don't ask...and don't look it up.  Keep your innocence)

Over the next hour I remained at least two beats behind the rest of the class.  I didn't know any of the names of moves...nor the actual moves so I had to watch everyone to figure out what I was supposed to be doing.

I sweat my azz off and realized that even though I've come so far with my fitness level, I still have sooo far to go.  PiYo definitely worked muscles I didn't even know I had.

I left the class hating ballerinas and men in loose fitting shorts....but loving PIYO.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and even though I looked like a complete tool during the whole class, I actually loved it and look forward to adding it to my weekly fitness routine.

In random news, I tried a new recipe that I wanted to share with you.  (Thank you Kate). I don't LOVE blueberries so next time I think I'll try strawberries instead.  Fluffette, however, loved every bite of it and had it for breakfast three days in a row.  

Baked Oatmeal with Blueberries and Oatmeal (link and photo from

In even more random random news, Google Reader has gone away so you will now need to follow me on Bloglovin.  I've tried for the past week to add a button to the sidebar of my blog and canNOT figure it out.  I've decided to try again once my hormones are a little less out of whack.  So anywhodilly, please go to, search for Fluffy in Frisco then follow that shyt.  Please and Thank you!  Although...the people that need to complete this task can't even see this post since I'm a week late so this entire paragraph is pretty pointless. meh.

Happy Fourth of July!  Stay safe and limit yourself to one keg stand.

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