I’m sure you all think that blogging is super easy. That I just sit down in front of the computer and before the cursor begins to blink, I just fill the page with words that are so moving, funny and inspirational that you are sure to fall to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you found this blog because without it, you’re life just wouldn’t be complete. (just pretend that’s how this blog makes you feel…please and thank you).
I usually start thinking about my blog topic on the weekends. As I’m driving around or in the shower (you’re totes thinking about me being in the shower now aren’t you…pervert), I write out a blog post for the week in my head. It ALWAYS makes me laugh out loud…at myself…because, let’s face it, I’m pretty damn funny. #thatsmystoryandi’mstickingtoit
Then there are weeks, like this week, that I just don’t have diddly squat to say. No cool topic, no funny story about picking my nose in public or ripping a pair of jeans in the middle of the mall. I gotz nuttin’.
So when this happens, I just pick something completely random to talk about. I know, I know….I’m random EVERY DAMN WEEK. But that’s why you keep coming back for more…now isn't it, Stalker Sally from Hutto. (Here’s your shout out, you also make deee-licious sour cream enchiladas)
I decided to share with you a little bit behind my thought process. I've always claimed to be bat shyt crazy, and now you will fo sho believe me and quite possibly try to commit me to an insane asylum.
On a recent trip in my car, I started to think about what I want to be when I grow up. I began to daydream about my blog and where it COULD take me. The bajillions of dollars I could make. All the opportunities that would present themselves because of this blog. All the times I would be asked to be on Ellen DeGeneres’ and Bethenny Frankel’s talk shows.
I would then be asked to write an inspirational book, which I would name “Follow Your Dreams and Blame Your Farts on The Dog. A Woman’s Guide to Being Awesome” Yes it’s a long title and I would need to use small font to get it all on the cover but we all know that any book with ‘fart’ in the title is sure to be on the New York Times Best Seller list! Hair Flip.
After I was done daydreaming about my book tour, the interviews on Good Morning America and being on the New York Times Best Seller list three years in a row, I began to think about photo shoots for my book. What would I wear? How would I pose? Would I love my body enough to pose in a bikini for the picture on the inside cover with the caption, “This body isn’t perfect, but it’s mine”?
That somehow leads me to think about working out and all the cute gear that’s available these days. I then start thinking about starting my own spandex pants line, “Fluffy is the New Skinny”. I know we’ve all seen the pants that have shyt written on the bootay like, “Juicy” or “Pink” or “Love”. I decide that Ima keep it real and put stuff like:
“It’s ok to stare, I would too if I were behind me” (small font, of course)
“I worked hard for this jiggle”
“Baby got back”
"My hips totally lied"
Then my car ride is over so I gently slide back in to reality. I unload the groceries with the car still running with Fluffette asleep in her car seat and pray that nobody steals my car and my baby. Then I had to put away groceries, start dinner, change out the laundry, feed Fluffette, let the dogs out (who..who, who who) and make sure Fluffette doesn’t try to crawl in to the tub, throw yogurt in the toilet, smash her own finger in the trash can or gnaw on a cascade packet (again).
Hours later, when Fluffette has gone down for the night and I finally have time to teedle (pee pee) on my own, I find myself drift off again in to my daydream…..”hmmmmm, I could also make a plus size line of spandex to represent my life a year ago”. Fluffy girls need love too! Just because I was (still am) fluffy, doesn’t mean I don’t have a good sense of humor! So this line of spandex would include things like:
“Quit staring at my fat ass and go get me a cheeseburger”
“Who needs a milkshake when your yard is this big”
“Caution: objects may fly about the cabin during flight”
and for the single ladies:
“It’s hot and I’m about to drop it”
“Hi Sexy, I’m about to bring you back….to my apartment”
These would all be in 24 point font because skinny or fat, I have PLENTY of real estate on the ol’ arse to fit these quotes.
Once I’m done laughing at my new business idea, I step out of the ‘little nuns room’ and stand there in front of the mirror in my wife beater tank top…….and I flex. Multiple ways and multiple angles.
|Just realized that I look like One Eyed Willie. Disregard the absence of one of my eyes. #cuh-reepy #needtogetmyglassesadjusted #yesIthinksmokingapipeisdouchey|
Sometimes, I even dance whilst flexing. Then I break in to song and do a full on routine from my Hip Hop Hustle class then check my phone to see if Ryan Seacrest has called to offer me my own reality show. “Not yet. Damn. I hope he has the right number for me”
Then I realize what a huge douche bag I am so I go sit on the couch and think about food.
***Note: this story is based on actual events
As a side note, I'd like to welcome my first sponsor to the page!!! Welcome Kate! Kate has been on her "get my body back after baby" journey for the past year or so and she looks absolutely amazing! So so so proud of you lady. Kate and I share a love for Advocare as it has helped us both get that much closer to our ultimate goals of being hot arse moms. If you are ever interested in the Herbal Cleanse, Catalyst, Spark (my personal faves) or any other product, just click on the Advocare symbol on the side bar and Kate will take great care of you!