This Club Sucks

You know the one, bytches be gettin up to work on their fitness at 5 o'clock in the morning.  They post pictures on IG to make sure we all know they woke up before the sun to workout.  Then, we also get pictures during their workout with a life altering #flexbreak at the end.

I was never cool enough to be in a sorority in college because I didn't look like I just got my face put on at the MAC counter and I didn't know how to "bump it" or "tease it".  I still don't really know how to do any of these things so it's good to know that in the eleven years since I graduated college, I've pretty much learned NOTHING about being a lady.  Wuddayagonnado.

So, I decided that the 5am club should be the perfect thing for me.  I mean....I hate mornings and for the past year I've rarely gotten out of bed before 8am so this is completely doable, right?

Criteria for joining the 5am club:

1.  Set a fancy/witty alarm on your phone because we all know you take the time to actually read that shyt at 4:45 in the am.

Check

2.  Go to bed fully dressed for the morning workout so that the only thing you have to do is put on socks, shoes, deodorant and brush your teeth.

Check

3.  Ability to take a selfie.  (yes, this is recycled...deal with it)

Check

4.  Ability to #flexbreak

(um...yes that IS me.  You just don't recognize me because you've never seen me in spandex um...belted panties?? and my sports bra)

Check

Yes, it seems I'm the perfect candidate.  I gave myself a good talking to last night as I ate a bag of baked lays in bed at 10:30 pm.  I was gonna do this.  This would be my life defining moment that I finally got up to work out at the azz crack of dawn.  I was prepared in my mind, body, soul and alarm clock.  "Ultimate Conditioning" was gonna be my bytch in T minus 6 hours.

Then my alarm went off and it scared the begeezus out of me.  Much like the time a few weeks ago that my phone started making the most horrific sound ever and I sleepily looked to see that it was an amber alert.  I spent forever trying to figure out how the hell I could turn that feature off and later cursed the government because I assumed this was their doing.  I digress.

I UH-MEDIATELY hit the snooze button and went back to sleep for another blissful ten minutes knowing I would totes get up when my alarm sounded again.

Then, when it did......I hit snooze again.  Ok, fuh real doe, Ima get up the next time it goes off.

Ten minutes later, I was more committed than I'd ever been in my life.  I  was gonna get this over with and finally be a member of the most elite club of women in the blogging world.

So, with all my might, I sat up on the side of my bed, took a deep breath........then said "eff this shyt, I'll try again next week"