Thursday, October 11, 2012

10 Things I Hate About You

It seems I’ve gained a new pen pal through my weight loss highs and lows.  I decided to share our most recent correspondence with you.  It went a little something like this…..

1.        I hate the way your arse jiggles when you run.  No, you do NOT look like you’re running on the beaches of Baywatch.  Please stop telling yourself that.
2.       I hate that your running playlist includes songs from: NKOTB, Miley Cyrus, Jessica Simpson and Naughty by Nature.
3.       I hate that when your scale fell below 200 (fat ass)this week that you were 2 seconds away from having a one woman wet t-shirt contest.
4.       I hate that you would’ve lost the wet t-shirt contest.
5.       I hate that you spend 20 minutes talking yourself out of a late night snack. You are not hungry.
6.       I hate that your ankles are larger than Fluffette's thighs.  (and I don’t need to remind you how chunky her thighs are)
7.       I hate that while changing  Fluffette's  diaper today, you sang "Fluffette, Fluffette .  Why the eff is your diaper wet.  Fluffette, Fluffette .   I mutha fuggin just changed that shet”.  You will NEVER get a record deal. Please let it go.
8.       I hate that you told yourself that when you get down to 145 pounds you will run a 5k in a bikini.  You have too far to go…and, let’s face it, the world ain’t ready for that shit!
9.       I hate that you keep pinning skinny jeans and leggings for “style inspiration” on Pinterest.  You could never pull this off, sausage legs.
10.   I hate that you struggle so much with your weight.  You were so happy in a size 6.  Why’d you have to go and eff that up??!!?!

Keep dreamin,
Skuffy (skinny fluffy)

Dear Skuffy,
First off, let me applaud you for getting your inspiration for this letter from a cheesy movie made in the 90’s.  Even Julia Stiles is ashamed of that film.  (rolling eyes) 

I was going to address each of the above comments separately but decided I don’t have time for your cattiness.  This stupid attempt at getting in my head while I struggle through losing this baby weight (plus 25 pounds) is just dumb and I’m not falling for it.  Please remove the giant stick from your ass and stop taking yourself so seriously.  Now, go put on your party pants and come ride this ‘Slip n Slide o’ life’ WITH me! 

And, I (don’t) hate to be the one to break this to you, but you have fat ankles too.  It’s where we store most of our awesomeness. 

I get knocked down but I get up again.  You’re never gonna keep me down.  (yes, this is a Chumbawamba reference.  I am THAT cool)
Fluffy in Frisco

So, if you’re mad, get mad.  Don’t hold it all inside.  Come on and talk to me now.  Hey, what you got to hide?  I get angry too.  Well, I’m a lot like you.  When you’re standing at the crossroads, and don’t know which path to choose.  Let me come along.  Cause even when you’re wrong, I’ll stand by you.  I’ll staaand by you.  Won’t let nobody hurt you.  I’ll stand by you.

Yes, I stole the lyrics from “I’ll stand by you”.  Sue me.

Your partner in crime,

Yes, my pen pal is the skinny version of myself. 
Yes, I know I’m crazy. 
No, I don’t want the number to your psychiatrist.

Side note: If anyone actually reads this blog, please comment and tell me what song really gets you going!  Apparently, I need to update my running playlist. (dramatic deep sigh)

Knuckle bumps,
Fluffy in Frisco

1 comment:

  1. You're funny!! I love that you are putting your thoughts for everyone to read. I am so proud of you! My song lately is "Clique" by JayZ and Kanye West. There was a moment today where my car became tha club! Love you, C!!!