Bringing Sexy Back: Attempt #4,598

Approximately 62.47% of women struggle with getting off the weight they gained during pregnancy.  Now, before you get all “fact check-y” on me, I made up this number so I didn’t have to actually do research.  You are already fully aware of my high level of laziness so this shouldn’t surprise you. 

Anyways, since becoming a mother (and on top of that, a stay at home mother), I have found that the simple pleasures in life are no longer that “simple”.  Not only have I struggled with losing the weight, I’ve also struggled with putting myself together.  I will admit that in the last 4.5 months, I have spent most days in sweats and a t-shirt and rockin a matted side pony (no, not on purpose).    I don’t always brush my hair….or my teeth and if I shower before noon, I consider that an exceptional day.  I rarely dry my hair and have used the ol’ straightener about 3 times in the past year.  I feel that I consistently smell like thrown up formula or baby pee and could change a poopy diaper in my sleep.  All of this and I wonder why I have such a low self image?!?!!? 

Last week I took matters in to my own hands and decided that I needed to put more effort in to ME.  First stop was the nail salon.  I went for a much needed mani/pedi and eyebrow wax.  Luckily, I wear glasses so I was able to cover up the small family of birds that nested in my eyebrows.   I was not, however, able to cover up the dry crustiness on my heels.  My cheeks flushed pink when they had to bring out the industrial strength sander and saw but I didn’t care, it was worth it.  I left the salon feeling like a new woman.  It’s amazing what a little nail polish can do!

Next stop…the mall.  I, like most girls, LOVE to shop but shopping when you feel like a fat cow is definitely not at the top of my list.  I have exactly one pair of pants that currently fit  (actually a little too big…holla)and probably 5 shirts that I can wear.  None of which are the least bit flattering.  As I walked from store to store (over multiple days), I kept waiting for a Pretty Woman moment.  “I’m sorry, we don’t have anything here for you”.  Luckily, that never happened.  Unfortunately, I have an issue sometimes with opposite self image syndrome where I think that I am much smaller than I actually am.  I will pick up a size, frolic to the dressing room then find myself in tears because that size doesn’t fit over my calves.  Or, I put on an outfit in a dressing room and think that I look hotter than a barrel of fire only to take a picture and see that I need to upgrade my phone so I can have the panoramic picture option to fit my hips in the picture.  To say that shopping was a disappointment is the understatement of the year.  I found a couple of shirts, a pair of shoes and a necklace.  That’s it.  I’m planning to steer clear of any stores until I am no longer considered Plus Size. 

After having several crying fits over clothes and my inability to look good in them, I decided I would try something scary.  Make-up.  Those of you that know me, know that I do NOT wear make-up.  I’m more of a “what you see is what you get” type of gal.  This is actually code for me being too lazy to spend the time to put on makeup.  IF I wear makeup, it’s powder, mascara and chapstick.  I decided that I would amp that up a tiny bit by going to Sephora for eyeshadow.  I wanted something easy that I could apply in one swift brush stroke that would lighten my eyes beneath my glasses.  The lady very quickly informed me that I would need to have several layers to accomplish this so I accepted her challenge.  I told her that she’d have to show me.  So I went and sat down while she went through one bajillion steps of how to make my eyes pop.  That seems easy enough (rolling eyes).  Ok, now it’s my turn to try what I’ve just learned on my other eye.  All of a sudden I turned in to Edward Scissorhands and couldn’t.hold.the.brush.  It was the most awkward looking thing ever and the makeup lady had her hand on her heart and I know she wanted to say “Bless your heart”.  Bytch.  I dismissed her pity and kept going.  Primer…check.  First color all over eyelid….check.  Second color on eyeball part of lid…check.  Third color just on eyebrow bone….fail!  As I was trying to follow her instructions and do a circular motion over the brow bone she kept saying “Brow bone……brow bone…your brow bone….no, your brow bone”.  With each time she said “brow bone” her voice got a little louder.  I said “um….where is my brow bone?”.  So, she took my finger and showed me.  “Ohhhh….my BROW BONE, yes, yes….I got it”.   During this time, Cam’s (from Modern Family)  younger, thinner twin became my cheerleader.  He kept telling me that I was doing great and that it would take time to get used to it.  “oh girrrrl, we need mascara now.  I’ll show you a great tip”.  Awesome!  Another thing that will make me look like a 3 year old that just got in to her mother’s makeup.  Can’t wait. (sarcasm font)  So he told me to look down and he placed the mascara wand at the base of my eyelashes and wiggled it up.  He said that it would make my eyelashes look longer and fuller.  Unfortunately, when I tried it for myself, it just looked like clumpy tarantula legs.  He tilted his head to one side and had a pity smile on his face and told me to keep trying because it will really make my eyes POP.  Deep sigh.  So, I loaded up every product they showed me and headed to the checkout.  $84 later and these eyes better do more than just POP!  They better make my husband’s pants fall off!!!  (by the way, it totally did..hair flip.  Sorry mom)

And so, for the first time in a long time, I put myself together.  I dried my hair, straightened my hair and did my bangs in a little braid to keep them back out of my eyes.  I put on foundation, powder, 44 steps of eye makeup and mascara and even lipstick!  Mr. Fluff, Fluffette and I headed to the Dallas Arboretum for our Day Date and I will admit…I felt great!  Mr. Fluff told me how beautiful I looked and for the first time in a long time, I believed him.  I won’t bore you with the fact that I sweated my ass off at the Arboretum so my makeup was short lived and most of it ended up on napkins.  Nope, that’s a minor detail.  Later that afternoon, I reapplied, put on some heels and a cute top and went on a date with my husband.  This was VERY needed and we had the most amazing time.  I fell in love with him all over again.  (are you crying yet?.  Bwhahah)

Yup, I made an effort and it felt great.  You know what else feels great?  Weightloss.  I’ve lost 4.2 pounds since October 4^th.  This is wonderful news considering my recent run-in with funnel cake.  I am now 21.2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and 46.2 pounds away from my ultimate goal.  I will get there eventually and when I do, the malls of Collin County better watch the f*ck out!!!

Makup Artist of the Year,

Fluffy in Frisco